Ah dear reader, how thou must have felt so confused these past fortnights making up these most recent of weeks. You must have felt your mind muddled, unsure of where these summaries of our baseball fantasia had gone off to, wondering whether or not they were to ever return. But as all good lovers do, we do return from our journey, our pilgrimage to the eastern regions of Persia, the Orient, and the MLB all-star game. Love, the sweetest of gifts we bring back to you from our long voyage. The sweetest of gifts we give to you on this return.
The first week after the all star break is always the longest of the season. You get two weekends, two Fridays, and the whole of one actual week to pad your score. It’s like MLB slugfest minus the ability to self immolate, catch fire, and curb stop your opponents when they hit your batter. Four teams hit 500 points this week. Three hit 400. Another hit 300. Only one team failed to score over 200 points. Guess who it was?
I’ll give you a second.
Well you’re all wrong. Believe it or not, it wasn’t the team formerly known as “The Spiderman Buttslaps”(more on that later). Only “Mac’s Smelly Sox,” failed to hit 300 points this week. They fell to “Meat is Murder” by approximately double their output this week. It’s not the result that the “Sox” should be disappointed about. To be honest, the team has struggled most of the season. Even with a four game win streak over the last two months, they still stayed under .500 and pretty decently out of the running. The poor production, on the other hand, should cause some concern. Their lack of points shows that this is a team that may have given up on winning this season. While not out officially, it’s going to be hard for them to come close to the last seed with performances like this.
Again, it’s not like the “Sox” had much of a chance this week. “Meat is Murder” put up a whopping 564 points this week, outscoring every team except division rival “The Benny Bombers.” With performances like this, “Murder” should find some confidence, especially in light of the tight race for the wild card in their division.
Right now, in the East the three way tie for second between the “Benny Bombers,” “Meat is Murder,” and “The Credible Hulk,” stands as it did. All three teams won this week, advancing their record to 9-6. This is a statistically improbable feat to keep up, especially as we enter the last four weeks of the season. It’s very ambiguous as to who will differentiate themselves from the pack. After last week it seems like it could be the “Bombers” or “Murder.” Both teams outscored the entire league with massive point totals, and as for the “Bombers” they are the only of this tied trio to actually hold second place alone this year. But on the other hand, even with their easy win over the “Durag Vince McMahons(formerly known as the Spiderman Butt Slaps)” it must be taken into consideration that the “Hulk” is on a nice little three game win streak.
Of the three teams, the “Hulk” has the toughest matchup this week. They face “Green Day’s Mookie,” a team trying to recover from their devastating mid season lapse in which they lost four games straight. “Mookie,” who also sits at 9-6 is tied for first in the East with the “D-Train,” and is vying to take that spot. Their week 15 win against the poorly rebranded “McBadbats,” was huge. The game was close all week, but thanks to a late push they tipped over this lackluster Irish nocturnal winged creature. With the “D-Train’s” heartbreaking loss to the “Benny Bombers,” the race for first in the West just got a hell of a lot more interesting.
In the Divine Comedy, Dante walks through the gates of hell. “Abandon all ye who enter here,” a sign reads. One wonders if “A-Rod’s Girlfriends” got a similar warning this week against the “Mikey Bombers.” After a one hundred point loss, the team fell back below .500. The “Girlfriends” are another team that is not mathematically eliminated, but seems to fall more and more out of the picture with each passing loss. With four weeks left in the season, their going to have to at least go above .500 to even qualify. Given the trajectory of their season, that might as well be a death sentence in the southern United States, with a right wing conservative judge making all the decisions in the appellate court.
As of this week, the only team that qualifies for the playoffs that isn’t 9-6 is the “Mikey Bombers.” While there probably will not be a 5 way tie come this postseason, we can start confidently saying that the teams in this tie will more than likely be playing fantasy baseball come October(October meaning August).
And finally, another rebranding effort occurred over the week. The “Spiderman Buttslaps” became the “Durag Vince McMahons,” and wow what a joy. This team may not have the players, but they definitely have the marketing department to add a little light hearted fun into the league. Hey, “McBadbats”- next season instead of investing in players, try investing in some of the members of the “McMahon’s” PR team.
Team to Watch Out For: The Credible Hulk– They’re on a three game win streak. Plus, I’m pretty sure if I don’t make them the TTWOF, I’ll be assassinated or something like that. Maybe I’ll have my knees broken mob style. IDK.
Matchup of the Week: Green Day’s Mookie vs. The Credible Hulk– Decisive game for both teams.
1. The Mikey Bombers (11-4)
2. Meat is Murder (9-6)
3. The Benny Bombers (9-6)
4. The Credible Hulk (9-6)
5. The McBadbats (5-10)
1. The D-Train (9-6)
2. Green Day’s Mookie (9-6)
3. A-Rod’s Girlfriends (7-8)
4. Mac’s Smelly Sox (6-9)
5. The Durag Vince McMahon’s (1-14)