In November of 1986, Ronald Reagan assured the American public that “we did not—repeat, did not—trade weapons or anything else for hostages, nor will we.” Mere months later, he famously recanted, claiming that “[his] heart and [his] best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and evidence tell me it is not.” Although the subject matter we are dealing with is more sensitive and important than that small blunder in American history, in this first week of fantasy, we must also admit that we were wrong. Our initial analysis did not claim to be gospel; but we must give credit to where credit is due. However, our predictions were accurate 60% of the time (i.e. higher ranked team beating the lower ranked team), putting our success rate right up there with some so-called “fantasy experts.” For the sake of modesty, let’s first look at our mistakes to better understand where we went wrong before reveling in our successes.
Bunch of Mularkeys (0-0) @ YOUR Reigning Champion (0-0)
After the draft, we wrote that the 2015 Reigning Champions were certainly not destined to repeat, and that the Mularkeys would prove to be one of the strongest contenders. After the first week, it would seem more fair to say the exact opposite, as each team certainly lived up to their name. From the very start, the only question was if the Mularkeys could even match half of the points the dominant Champion amassed. Stellar performances by Cooks and Luck wowed fans, and extremely solid play up and down the roster silenced any doubts we had about the Champion’s draft. The other side of the gridiron did not look so promising, as abysmal execution by believed surefire studs Adrian Peterson, Tyrod Taylor, and T.Y. Hilton severely weighed down the team. The Mularkeys also gambled and lost hard on Delanie Walker (4.2 pts), Chandler Catanzaro (2 pts), and the Raiders defense (-4 pts). The Mularkey’s DeAngelo Williams put on an exciting showing Monday night, but even the best performance by a running back in Week 1 was not enough to save this disheveled organization from suffering their first loss. While one week is hardly indicative of an overall season’s success, it is safe to say we are reconsidering our opinions of both franchises from before the season began.
YOUR Reigning Champion (1-0): 121.8
Bunch of Mularkeys (0-1): 82.7
Eighty-Eight Goodell (0-0) @ Kirsten Dunst (0-0)
Before this Sunday and Monday, we thought the Kirsten Dunsts would have a similar season to last, where they were the most dominant team in the league. They kept two of the top three first round players in Odell and Gurley. They had the promising Seahawks back Rawls against an average Miami defense. They had Demaryius Thomas with a quarterback who didn’t need a walker to drop back in the pocket. They had the Rams defense against the oh-so-terrifying arm of Blaine Gabbert. And yet, all of these players combined did not even score as many points as the Goodell’s best player, John Matthew Stafford. The Goodells had an average- to above-average outing, but they looked utterly dominant against a hapless Dunst. When Eli Manning is your highest scoring player, it may be time to consider shaking up the lineup a wee bit. The Goodell’s benching of Will Fuller and Mohammed “We Were Boys In High School” Sanu (who would have been the second highest scoring player on the Dunsts) proved not even to matter. Assuredly, the Goodells are looking to perform better next week against an actual opponent, but the Dunsts are looking to just perform at all.
We would like to congratulate the Kirsten Dunces as being the first 2016 Loser of the Week, as they had the lowest score of any team. Their fantasy lineup was a worse choice than Kirsten Dunst agreeing to star in The Crow: Salvation. Congratulations to a job poorly done.
Eighty-Eight Goodell: 98.3
Kirsten Dunst: 74.9
Jamaal Charles in Charge (0-0) @ Morgan Token Girl (0-0)
It is with great bittersweetness that we move into our more correct predictions. We take pride in being right, but we never wanted to see it like this. Leave it to none other than the commissioner to absolutely ruin the inaugural home opener of a beloved underdog franchise. His presence was not enough to ruin what was supposed to be a fun evening of family entertainment, but the actions on the field took the disgrace to new heights. After disabling the entire framework and servers that the organization’s use to track their teams (AppGate is trademark pending), he used his ever-deepening bag of tricks, cheats, and steroids to mercilessly abuse the first female-owned franchise in the league. His onslaught was not only an assault to decency of eye and ear, but a calculated attack in the war on women, as many are seeing his welcoming of a woman into the league just as an excuse to beat her. He used grotesque showings by Spencer Ware, Doug Baldwin, A.J. Green, and Matt Forte to promote his evil agenda, and even opted to start the New Orleans tight end to exude his arrogance. The Token Girls actually outperformed pre-season expectations; Drew Brees, Carlos Hyde, and Melvin Gordon had excellent games, although the benching of Willie Snead in favor of Jordy Nelson did seem a mistake in retrospect. The rally by Carlos Hyde early into Tuesday morning proved too little, too late, as the repulsive head of evil gleefully gloated, his reign of terror over his abused subjects having begun. Even their own fans were left wondering about the victory: “But at what cost?”
We begrudgingly give the Jamaal Charles in Charge the first Winner of the Week award, as the team outscored the entire league. Because we have to say something nice, we’ll wish Jamaal Charles nothing but the speediest of recoveries.
Jamaal Charles in Charge (1-0): 127.1
Morgan Token Girl (0-1): 110.3
Washington Whiteskins (0-0) @ Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (0-0)
While the Browns and ‘Skins both lost on the NFL field this week, one of them had to win this week on the digital turf. On paper in both leagues, it seemed the Skins would handily defeat the Browns, but real life is always full of surprises. For the Skins, strong showings by Anderson and Murray atoned for the fact that Barnidge, Bryant, and Watkins did not even show up. While we were initially rather high on the Skins post-draft, we probably did not look deep enough into some underlying problems of this team, such as new quarterbacks for both Barnidge and Bryant, nagging injuries for Watkins, and the loss of virginity for Russell Wilson. For the Browns, Evans and Ertz led an average group of performers, recovering the slack left by Keenan Allen’s untimely injury. Heading into Monday night, the two organizations were only a mere 6 points apart, with one player each left to play: Roethlisberger for the Browns, Brown for the Skins (don’t read that too fast). The Browns owner surely must have felt conflicted; in order for him to win, his QB must throw well, but not to his best receiver. Needless to say, this did not happen, because the Browns will be Browns. In a twist of fate that surely would have left Alanis Morissette smiling, the Whiteskins ensured their triumph by the Redskins losing theirs (think less War of the Roses, more French-Indian War).
Washington Whiteskins (1-0): 103.2
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (0-1): 94.2
We Are Gritnesses (0-0) @ All Hail Fidel Ferraro (0-0)
This back-and-forth matchup proved to be the most exciting of the week, as it came down to the final minutes of Sunday night in the University of Phoenix Stadium. Respectable performances from Newton, Langford, Jones, and Hopkins put the scheming All Hails up much higher than anyone previously thought, and no bench players performed significantly better than their on-the-field counterparts. This sniveling minion of an organization came into the Sunday night game up a comfortable 12 points on the Gritnesses, who only had their kicker left to play. However, that night we truly learned what these Gritnesses were made of (it’s grit). Their kicker was none other than Stephen “Ghost” Gostkowski, who went three-for-three on field goals and drilled two extra points, giving the good guys just enough to edge out the sycophantic henchman. Sure, starting Woodhead or Blount would have made the game a sure victory for the Gritnesses, but this scrappy organization always likes a fair fight. As for the All Hail Fidel Ferraros, we commend you for your attendance, but certainly nothing else.
We Are Gritnesses (1-0): 97.7
All Hail Fidel Ferraro (0-1): 95.9
Next Week’s Matchup to Watch:
Kirsten Dunst vs. Bunch of Mularkeys: Be sure to tune in as two formerly great teams desperately try to hand each other the victory.
Jamaal Charles in Charge: Like Director-General Willem Kieft, the earliest governor of New Netherlands, this corrupt leader will stop at nothing to ensure his status ranks equal with his ego.
YOUR Reigning Champion: Who needs the number one ranking when YOU’RE the Reigning Champion?
Morgan Token Girl: We could see their stock rising quickly if they stop focusing on their players looks rather than their stats.
Washington Whiteskins: Their name invokes a Donald Trump rally, and this slide in the polls mimics this buffoon of a presidential candidate’s.
Eighty Eight Goodells: Definitely one place where the owner is not the Best Team Ever.
We are Gritnesses: We are adequateness.
All Hail Fidel Ferraro: Will the loss this Cuban Missile Crisis suffered set off a chain reaction causing the loss of funding from their USSR, followed by fifty years of famine and poverty?
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs: What’s floppier? The in-poor-taste possession of this teams name, or their week one performance?
Bunch of Mularkeys: Just be happy the team behind you stole defeat from the jaws of victory.
Kirsten Dunst: In ancient Crete, King Minos commissioned the master craftsman Daedelus to build him a labyrinth to imprison his wife’s bastard half bull son, the Minotaur. Daedelus horrified at the abomination, born out of a bestial relationship between woman and bull, aided King Minos’s daughter and her young lover Theseus in the killing of the Minotaur. As punishment, Daedelus and his young son Icarus were imprisoned in a tower jail on Crete. But, being a master craftsman, Daedelus fashioned a set of wings for him and his boy to escape. After testing them out, Daedelus handed them to his son. “Don’t fly too close to the water,” he said, “for the moisture will weigh you down. But, more importantly- don’t and, I repeat, don’t you dare fly too close to the sun. Do not fly too close to the son, little dude, because that shit is going to burn your wings up and you will fall from the sky and all the other members of the league are going to mercilessly mock you in the group chat.” But did young Icarus listen? No, he took to the sky and as he felt the air beneath his wings he became increasingly excited. He flew higher and higher, edging closer to solaris with every pump of the wings. He reached soaring heights, but as his father had predicted, these soaring heights would undo him. The sun melted the wax and soon Icarus found that he was not flapping wings, only his doughy and soft arms. He crashed to the earth, landing in the sea, and sunk to the bottom, where he rests eternally.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (1-0)
- YOUR Reigning Champion (1-0)
- Morgan Token Girl (0-1)
- Bunch of Mularkeys (0-1)
- Kirsten Dunst (0-1)
- Washington Whiteskins (1-0)
- Eighty Eight Goodells (1-0)
- We are Gritnesses (1-0)
- All Hail Fidel Ferraro (0-1)
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (0-1)