The second week of football is where each team learns more about their true character: a reassessment of assumptions for some, a rekindling of hope for others, a complete resignation of the season for even others, or sometimes even an unabashed confirmation that your team is the greatest assemblage of athletes to ever step foot on the turf. In the Raymond A. Dufour Memorial League, it would seem that, even though half of the teams had to win, expectations were most certainly tempered throughout the federation. This week points were harder to come by than water in the Sahara, as only three teams cracked the three-digit mark (No T.S. Eliot, it is but September that is the cruelest month). Teams succeeding in this drought may liken themselves to the Petyr Baelish’s and Immortan Joe’s of their own world, Kings of the Ashes and Barons of the Barren, as they are winning, but against what odds? Steel yourselves, dear readers, as dark and desperate times are recounted below. If it ever seems too much to bear, take heart in the immemorial battle cry of Pete Townshend: “Don’t cry, don’t raise your eye, it’s only fantasy wasteland.”
Eighty-Eight Goodell (1-0) @ We Are Gritnesses (1-0)
Where do we even begin? One week ago the Goodells looked like a mid-level playoff team, but a playoff team nonetheless. This week they resembled a team on the verge of relegation (in a league that doesn’t even do that). They had a shocking one (seriously, one!) player score in the double digits (15.5 by Stafford). The Goodells also had very weak bench management, leaving a net gain of over thirty points waiting in the wings. We Are Gritnesses had a decent showing, but, let’s be honest, they earned their win by just showing up. To put things in perspective, they still would have won by starting Brett Favre, Aaron Hernandez, and Barry Sanders. Instead, respectable-to-great performances by Rodgers, L. Murray, B. Marshall, and the Pats D put the Gritnesses comfortably past the Goodells. With Ezekiel Elliott seeming to find his stride, the Gritnesses have to feel confident moving forward, although they are far from a dominant 2-0 team, as they have yet to even break the 100-point mark. The Goodells, on the other hand, have a lot of soul-searching to do after this doozy of a game, and must consider if a total shake-up of their roster would do their season well.
We extend our deepest apologies to the Eighty-Eight Goodell this week, as they are the Loser of the Week. In your time of sorrow, we offer this small fact as condolence: Roger Goodell beat Tom Brady fair and square and there’s nothing you can do about it. Also, 18-1 or whatever.
We Are Gritnesses (2-0): 90.9
Eighty-Eight Goodell (1-1): 60
Morgan Token Girl (0-1) @ YOUR Reigning Champion (1-0)
The Reigning Champions should thank the Eighty-Eight Goodells profusely, as the Goodell’s piss-poor performance was the only thing excluding the Champions from being the laughingstock of the week. Yes, Champion fans, your team danced with greatness; you managed to get two (!) players in the double digits, even if one barely did. This team better hope that defense wins championships, because their defense (Broncos) was the only bright spot for the Week 2 matchup. The other side of the ball looked better by default, and the Token Girls are sure to be happy with the easy victory. The team found success in M. Gordon, J. Nelson, and J. Brown (no relation to the other organization), and a lower-than-expected-but-still-better-than- average performance by Brees and Snead gave this team an uncomplicated, but un-commanding, win. The Girls should only improve as the season goes on (with Bell’s imminent return from suspension), but the organization is going to need stronger all-around performances if they want to establish themselves near the top of the pack. It should also be noted that the former Champions left over 30 net points on the bench at the running back position alone, and left off an additional 33 points by letting Carr and T. Benjamin ride the pine. That’s right, the Champions could have been the highest scorer this week; instead, they finished second to last. This team has the pieces, folks; it just needs a plan.
Morgan Token Girls (1-1): 91.5
YOUR Reigning Champion (1-1): 70.8
Washington Whiteskins (1-0) @ Jamaal Charles in Charge (1-0)
Parents, if you have any children reading this recap, it might be best to skip over this section. No, there is no vulgar language or graphic depictions of depraved acts, but that may be preferred to what you are about to read. Somehow, above all odds, against all common sense, and antagonistic to all adages, evil has prevailed yet again. The obscene organization that is Jamaal Charles in Charge triumphed for the second week in a row, relying on technically superb but ultimately distasteful showings by Carson Palmer, Matt Forte, and the Cardinals defense. What wicked lengths will this classless commissioner go to to keep his team undefeated? The Whiteskins were not without their share of blamel, as the whole squad underwhelmed with mediocre-to-subpar performances. The benching of two of the top three draft picks is not a promising sign in the organization, and their starting quarterback’s loss of mobility and virginity is having many question his value. The Skins will need some of their expensive offensive pieces to pick up production if they want to start even thinking about the postseason. While the on-the-field matchup was less than stellar, the real story happened in and around the stadium. Although currently unconfirmed, we are reporting multiple crimes committed by Charles’ fans in and around their home stadium, including but not limited to: assault, public indecency, burglary, looting, jay-walking, tax evasion, and high treason. We may or may not continue to follow these stories as they unfold. In all, business as usual for Jamaal Charles in Charge, and boy, is that business dirty.
Jamaal Charles in Charge (2-0): 103.4
Washington Whiteskins (1-1): 78.3
Kirsten Dunst (0-1) @ Bunch of Mularkeys (0-1)
Both of these teams were in rough shape last week, as they posted the two lowest scores league-wide. This game was even jokingly chosen as the Matchup of the Week after their poor performances; however, this game was no joke. It was the closest and highest total scoring game this Sunday, the sole bright spot of Week 2. Both team’s flex positions dominated (Dunst’s K. Benjamin with 22.8, Mularkey’s D. Williams with 19.2), and solid performances from their tight ends, defenses, and kickers made this matchup incredibly close. Dunst had the edge in the ever-valuable wide receiver position, as Beckham and Thomas slightly outperformed Cooper and Maclin, but a total of 7.8 points by Gurley/Rawls killed their chances at victory. Mularkey’s backfield took the weight from Adrian Peterson’s knees and placed it onto David Johnson’s shoulders, and the fantastic production by esteemed progenitor Felipe Rios sealed the deal for the Mularkeys. While Week 1 was about as ugly as it could get for the Dunsts and Mularkeys, both organizations managed to vastly improve, but the better team walked off the field victorious.
Bunch of Mularkeys (1-1): 109.1
Kirsten Dunst (0-2): 99.0
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (0-1) @ All Hail Fidel Ferraro (0-1)
Of course both of these controversial teams looked to get back on track after tough losses the week prior, and one certainly did. The All Hails attempted to break from their establishment-lackey mold and define an actuality personality for themselves, but did it in all the wrong ways. Wanting to be the bad boys of the league is a good thing, picking up Ray Rice is not. The players showcased their moral fiber (or lack thereof) by rallying around the move, putting on a league-best 110-plus point performance. The Browns put up about as much resistance as their on-field counterparts for a second straight week, relying too much on their kicker and non-existent defense to carry the team. If only these Browns played the only actual Browns player on their roster (C. Coleman, 22.4 pts). Instead, a mere 3.8 points by Abdullah and 4.7 marks for Ingram were simply inexcusable roster errors, especially with the J. Jones-D. Hopkins-G. Olsen combo of the All Hails racking up over 52 points. The All Hails also used well-documented black quarterback Cam Newton for their own nefarious purposes, turning the once-beloved, controversy-free athlete into nothing more than a caricatured husk of his former self (See: mandated post-game press conference uniform with its overt deep south undertones). When we asked the All Hails to reconsider their ways, this is almost the exact opposite of what we meant.
Yet we extend a melancholic congratulations to the All Hail Fidel Ferraro, as they are the Winner of the Week. We will briefly look past your allegiances and transgressions to wish both Fidel and Ferraro the best of wishes in their times of failing health.
All Hail Fidel Ferraro (1-1): 112.1
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (0-2): 81
Next Week’s Matchup to Watch:
Jamaal Charles in Charge vs. YOUR Reigning Champion
There are a lot of questions coming into next week’s game: Who will prevail between Week 1’s two highest scorers? Will the Reigning Champions recover from all the points left on the bench? Can the malicious man In Charge continue his reign of terror? And most importantly, which of these brothers can claim superiority and finally have control of the family name, inheritance, and the right to move up from the kid’s table for Thanksgiving?
- Jamaal Charles in Charge: Some say he was funded by the Illuminati. Some say he was behind the Kennedy assassination. Others say he faked the moon landing. If you look at any rendering of the assassination of Caesar, he’s there in the background. In Charge in name, in charge of running the league, and in charge of writing the power rankings. Wake up sheeple.
- All Hail Fidel Ferraro: But when his evil empire falls, we are cursed with even more of a coward in the rafters in his lackey. Perhaps when he too falls from grace, he will finally face his irrelevance.
- Morgan Token Girl: Perhaps a hero to dismantle this patriarchy? Hopefully, third in the power rankings won’t prove to be her glass ceiling.
- YOUR Reigning Champion: The league’s de facto anti-hero. Linked fraternally with the evil that controls this league, he may be the key to truly defeat it.
- Bunch of Mularkey’s: This is a huge leap in the power rankings, jumping ahead of the undefeated Gritnesses. Seems suspicious? We wouldn’t be surprised if a certain league commissioner recently bought stock in the media empire this team’s owner is originally known for, the same media empire that publishes these recaps. Pay attention kids. Pay attention to the editorial voice of these recaps, because if my theory is true, this might–CENSORED AT EDITOR’S REQUEST.
- We Are Gritnesses: Like Rodney Dangerfield, these guys just get no respect. How is it right (or possible for that matter) that one of the league’s only two undefeated teams is in the bottom half of the power rankings, while the commissioner and his lackeys are in the upper echelons?
- Washington Whiteskins: If only their performances could be as cutting as their satire.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs: Here is a quote by their owner after a 0-2 start: “I am the worst at fantasy football. The worst.” Another: “I’m the worst! My team is HORRIBLE.” At least the organization is self-aware.
- Eighty-Eight Goodell: Cut him some slack. With Jimmy Garoppolo and Tom Brady out for the next two weeks, he’s just hoping that Foxborough isn’t swallowed into the earth a la Mordor in Return of the King.
- Kirsten Dunst: Too busy reading novels that experiment with form to give a shit about this trivial league.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (2-0)
- Morgan Token Girl (1-1)
- YOUR Reigning Champion (1-1)
- Bunch of Mularkeys (1-1)
- Kirsten Dunst (0-2)
- We are Gritnesses (2-0)
- All Hail Fidel Ferraro (1-1)
- Washington Whiteskins (1-1)
- Eighty Eight Goodells (1-1)
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (0-2)