Although we tend to set ourselves against those opposite to us, it is often those that are most similar to us that can be our biggest enemies. It can be a competitive rivalry that betters both sides (“steel sharpening steel”), a self-hate manifested in the form of the other, or an intense antagonization that culminates in only one victor, one survivor whose name will live on. This week the Memorial League saw many fratricidal matchups, as agnate squads squared off to determine the superior. This exciting set of games included a fight for feminine imperium, a contest of impotent offenses, a duel between beloved outsiders, a clash of two high-powered juggernauts, and, of course, a battle betwixt blood brothers. Who will establish their identity as the better team, and who will be cast aside as a cheap impostor?
Morgan Token Girl (1-1) @ Kirsten Dunst (0-2)
The first of these like-minded clashes pitted the two female-centered organizations against each other, and many were expecting a catfight. Yet an actual cat could have probably set a better fantasy lineup than Kirsten Dunst. Perhaps this theoretical feline would have chosen a kicker, tight end, running back, and flex player combination that would put up more than 2.7 points (seriously). The only reason this team broke the sixty-point mark is due to strong games by Gurley and the Ravens defense, and not-completely-awful showings from Beckham, D. Thomas, and the lesser Manning brother. The Token Girls, on the other hand, showed the Dunces what Girl Power is all about. Carlos “Danger” Hyde, Melvin “Commissioner” Gordon, and Jordy “No-It-Can-Be-A-Guy’s-Name-Too” Nelson led the team with 284 total yards and five touchdowns, and the Girls could have won this game with their highest scorer Brees on the bench. Not to lessen the Token Girl’s excellent outing, but does a win against Kirsten Dunst even count as a victory anymore? More and more teams are penciling their game against the Dunce’s as a bye week, a chance to rest their starters and let some of the bench players see the field. Look for the real woman of the league to get even stronger as time goes on. Le’Veon Bell, who is looking to light it up on the field and not on his couch, should solidify the “Toking” Girls’ ranking as one of the highest in the league.
Morgan Token Girls (2-1): 115.3
Kirsten Dunst (0-3): 77.8
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (0-2) @ Always Next Year (1-1)
We here at Fawkes understand how important branding is to an organization, so we always appreciate a nice shake-up to a team’s look. The first brand overhaul of the season goes to the Artist Formerly Known as Eighty-Eight Goodell, who now go by the woefully depressing yet brutally accurate “Always Next Year”. Stafford remains the lone bright spot of the team (just as he is in Detroit), but will soon be benched once Tom Brady is unchained. L. Miller and Lacy served their roles, but Tate, Fuller, and J. Reed reminded fans and front office alike that their new moniker is well-deserved. The Browns put on an uncharacteristically fantastic performance with above average outings from Landry, Z. Miller, Sims, D. Freeman, and Ingram, good enough for their first win of the season. This team has handled the loss of Keenan Allen, Ameer Abdullah, Corey Coleman, and Zach Ertz remarkably well, so we can find little fault with their victory this week. Can this team stave off the slew of injuries and transform itself into a contender? Maybe, maybe not, but always remember: there’s Always Next Year.
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (1-2): 123.2
Always Next Year (1-2): 72.7
We Are Gritnesses (2-0) @ Bunch of Mularkeys (1-1)
The underrated, undefeated Gritnesses came into this matchup only slightly favored over the Mularkeys, as both teams were coming off strong victories in Week 2. The Gritnesses landed the first blow squarely across the Mularkeys’ jaw with LeGarrette Blount’s great performance on Thursday night, and were assisted by Aaron Rodgers’ return to form Sunday afternoon. The Mularkeys responded with 20+ point showings of their own from David Johnson, T.Y. Hilton, and the Purple People Eaters, as well as reliable performances by Rivers and Gore. This proved too much of a deficit for the Gritnesses, as Elliott and Witten were unable to combine for more than 34 points Sunday night. While this game was on the upper side of the scoring spectrum, the Gritnesses were brought back to the gritty reality: they will need to break one hundred points before they become a serious contender. On the other side of the ball, the Mularkeys are starting to look like the unstoppable force we thought they would be, posting triple digits the second week in a row. Lock up your canines everyone, the Mularkeys are on the prowl.
Bunch of Mularkeys (2-1): 115.0
We Are Gritnesses (2-1): 99.9
All Hail Fidel Ferraro (1-1) @ Washington Whiteskins (1-1)
After Week 2, it looked as if this game was going to be a blowout, as the Skins didn’t break 80 points and the Fidels led the league with 112. Instead, we got a high-stakes, high-scoring affair that involved some of the most dominant positional performances of the week. The Fidels had 21.7 points from Hill; the Skins answered with 21.5 points of their own from Murray. The Fidels had an inane 32 points from the Chiefs defense; the Skins responded with 32.5 points from Marvin Jones. Yet excellence up and down the Skins roster propelled them to victory, as Brown, Bryant, and Jameis “Publix Offender” Winston gave them the edge over the Fidels’ Newton, J. Jones, and Diggs. If the Fidels had started Sanders and Sproles (net gain of 32.8), they could have just eked out a win over the Whiteskins, but if we spent time indulging in every theoretical, we would have no time for actual analysis. Although the slimy, communistic All Hail Fidel Ferraro’s are getting better, they are sitting at 1-2, and many will still write the greasy bastards off. The Whiteskins did set a league high mark for points this season, but was this a fluke? Surely the team will come back a little closer to earth, but if this team can stay consistent, it could firmly establish itself in the upper echelons of the Memorial League.
We finally award the Winner of the Week award to a noble and upright organization, the Washington Whiteskins. We wish for nothing more in this world than that your owner keeps his football know-how, sharp wit, and exceedingly handsome looks long into old age (EDITOR’s NOTE: This recap was written by the leader of the Whiteskins and therefore all compliments paid to this team should be viewed in this light and with a grain of salt).
Washington Whiteskins (2-1): 128.1
All Hail Fidel Ferraro (1-2): 97
YOUR Reigning Champion (1-1) @ Jamaal Charles in Charge (2-0)
Although it may seem hard or impossible for us to remember, Star Wars began as a small, risky sci-fi/space opera with a seemingly predictable hero arc. Now, it has involved into a multi-billion dollar entertainment franchise, spanning movies, novels, comic books, theme parks, encyclopedias, etc. It has a hold on almost everyone’s psyche in some way, unique in its manifestation yet ubiquitous in its reach. Star Wars has transcended from a cult film into a cultural phenomenon into something even past that, and in its doing so, the core themes can be easily forgotten. While the trilogy has had its fair share of whimsical creatures, alien technologies, and laser swords, each also focuses on emotion, love, loss, and family. These stories in a galaxy far, far away present very close and very human issues in a manner we can all connect with. For instance, take this week’s matchup between brothers, between Champion and In Charge, pitting good against pure evil itself. See how it connects to this conversation in the Revenge of the Sith. “You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the force… not leave it in darkness!” cries Obi-Wan, begging for Anakin to turn back from the dark side. “You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!” You may think this means that the Champion offered mercy to his brother before ultimately triumphing over him, but you would be wrong. It is the Champion who is Anakin, turning his back on the fans, turning his back on the league, and turning his back on goodness itself. Yes, the Champion bent the knee to his evil brother, a real-life Palpatine, and in doing so, secured his fate forever.
YOUR Reigning Champion is the Loser of the Week, in every way, shape, and form. You let us all down.
Jamaal Charles in Charge (3-0): 107.0
YOUR Reigning Champion (1-2): 66.3
Next Week’s Matchup to Watch:
Bunch of Mularkeys (2-1) @ Morgan Token Girl (2-1)
While this week saw brother against brother, next week’s match between the Mularkeys and the Token Girls divides a relationship, setting lover against lover, man against woman, Matt against Morgan. Step right up folks, this marquee matchup could grind the wedding plans to a screeching halt, as the two lovebirds take out all of their grievances against each other on the digital gridiron. The question of who wears the pants in the relationship will finally be settled in the hotly-anticipated, first annual Schatzwell Relationship Championship.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (Last Week: 1): Things are starting to get fishy on this end. You try to speak truth to power and then the threats start. Just one little questions about the commissioners integrity and black cars park have started to park in front of my house at odd hours. I get phone calls with no one on the line. Don’t know how much longer this is going to go on for. So stay aware kids. Just ask yourselves who’s going to receive a payout when all this is over.
- Morgan Token Girl (3): Are you Diana, the hunter?
- Washington Whiteskins (7): Yeezy better watch out, because this team can apparently jump over more than just jumpman.
- Bunch of Mularkeys (5): This suspicious rise in the rankings has coincided with recent editors meetings telling me to soften my tone in these posts. I will not be silenced.
- All Hail Fidel Ferraro (2): At least when Che Guevara was expelled from Cuba he was still relevant.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (8): After his first win of the season, the bombastic owner was quoted, saying “I better have skyrocketed to #1. I’M THE BEST. I’M THE BEST” Well apparently you’re sixth, which is an improvement.
- We Are Gritnesses (6): Finished week 3 with a performance as silent as their owner.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (4): THIS IS AN UNABASHED CRIME. Just disrespectful to be completely honest. A four rank drop off after one loss. One wonders at the motives of those creating these rankings.
- Kirsten Dunst (10): Even rising one place in the power rankings cannot bring this team joy. Honestly nothing can. Life is dismal, and fantasy football is just another way to blind us from the emptiness at the heart of all human endeavours. Why does it matter if one plays Chris Ivory, or Fozzy Whitaker? Why does it matter that Thomas Rawls is a bigger disappointment than all of you are to your parents? But hey, let’s keep masking our misery with this game right, guys?
- Always Next Year (9): This former dynasty’s fall from grace has played out more like the fall of the Ottoman Empire than anything else. After a golden age of dominance, their turn to religious dogma(for this team their undying devotion to the New England Patriots) has coincided with the slow erosion of their cultural prevalence.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (3-0)
- Morgan Token Girl (2-1)
- Bunch of Mularkeys (2-1)
- YOUR Reigning Champion (1-2)
- Kirsten Dunst (0-3)
- Washington Whiteskins (2-1)
- We Are Gritnesses (2-1)
- All Hail Fidel Ferraro (1-2)
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (1-2)
- Always Next Year (1-2)
By L. Xavier & Alex Sniatkowski