While the NFL season is in full force, we are still in a time of great change. It is the changing of summer to fall, the changing of presidents, the possible change of life moving across planets. Change is also running rampant in the Raymond A. DuFour Memorial League, which saw dozens of acquisitions, multiple injuries, a pair of re-brandings, and an alliance formed in this week alone. However, all this change has had little effect on actual game outcomes, as the good teams continued to succeed, and bad teams continued to lose. Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Carr was clearly talking about this fantasy football league when he succinctly stated that “the more things change, the more they stay the same.”
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (2-1) @ Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (1-2)
Congratulations to the LeGarrette’s Blount Factory, née Gritnesses, on their re-branding efforts, as we always welcome a fresh take on a team’s identity. The name change really embodies the organization’s ideals, as the general manager must have been high when he assembled this team. The Blounts put too much faith in the Patriots this week, as Blount, Gostkowski, and the defense amassed a mere 6.8 points. That’s what happens when you count out Sexy Rexy, who will revel in this victory until he ascends from this mortal plane. Ezekiel Elliott and Brandon Marshall had above-average outings, but the mediocre-to-middling work of the rest of the roster just couldn’t cut it. Not that the opposing Browns tried to hand the Blounts the victory, as the other side of the ball looked just slightly better than sloppy. Big Ben’s dismantling of the once-imposing Kansas City defense saved the Browns, who had only one other player break the ten-point mark. The Browns can’t be overjoyed at this weak win, but their front office often tends towards the dramatic. We can’t wait to see the victory parade route that they have planned.
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (2-2): 85.3
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (2-2): 77.1
One of Will’s Henchmen (1-2) @ YOUR Reigning Champion (1-2)
Talk about an uncreative, uninspired, cheap attempt to reel in new fans. The team formerly known as All Hail Fidel Ferraro re-named itself to the even more overt One of Will’s Henchmen. The name has no flair, leaves no room for interpretation, and is the antithesis of cleverness. At least the name is simple enough for its fans to understand. Their on-field showing was impressive, as Howard, Sanders, and Olsen had surprising games, but the organization mimicked the Falcons, letting Julio Jones carry the team to victory. The Reigning Champions looked ill-equipped to handle the onslaught, as Cooks, Gronkowski, Bernard, and Benjamin all disappointed with a total 11.2 points. The Reigning Champions also announced an alliance with Kirsten Dunst, dubbing themselves the “Alpha Squad,” although a better name may be the “Omega Squad,” as these teams are in a heated competition to be dead last. We do appreciate a good team-up, but these two will have to change soon if they want to be taken as formidable foes instead of lovable losers.
One of Will’s Henchmen (2-2): 110.7
YOUR Reigning Champion (1-3): 82.6
Jamaal Charles in Charge (3-0) @ Kirsten Dunst (0-3)
We originally decided to not write this game recap, as the Kirsten Dunsts decided not to play this game, but then we would have been robbed of showcasing their pure ineptitude. Ivory, Beckham, and the Ravens defense racked up a whopping 8.2 points. Manning and Gurley did not even score as many points as the In Charge’s third highest scoring player. This team started an inactive tight end. Reports are already circulating that the Dunsts are tanking the season for the first overall pick. Reports are also circulating that they will use that pick on a kicker or defense. The second member of the so-called “Alpha Squad” is keeping up the faction’s illustrious history of losing, so at least they have that going for them. The nefarious In Charges showcased their sneering arrogance, opting to play the worst possible lineup against a clearly mentally deficient organization. At least, that is the only excuse we could surmise, as why else would the In Charges start such an awful lineup? Let their undefeated record fool you not; they have only got there through nepotism, score adjusting, owner threatening, and perhaps worst of all, using an ESPN default logo. We would chastise you by saying “for shame” to you Jamaal Charles In Charge, but we know your cold, black heart can’t possibly feel it.
We resignedly award the Loser of the Week award to the Kirsten Dunst for a second time, as they managed the second-lowest score of the season this week. We would like to take this time to say that everyone will always love the charming Gwen Stacy more than that mope Mary Jane. Maybe if Sam Raimi chose Alicia Witt we would have cared more.
Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-0): 91.7
Kirsten Dunst (0-4): 61.1
Washington Whiteskins (2-1) @ Always Next Year (1-2)
The Always Next Years have looked rather weak the last two games, scoring an average of just 66.4 points, so nobody expected the fight they put up against a surging Skins squad. The Next Years’ Will Fuller, Matt Jones, and Jordan Reed averaged 19.7 points each, along with respectable games from Lamar Miller and the Texans defense. This week may prove the Always Next Year’s name a little too pessimistic, as things are looking up for the team. However, their efforts were not nearly enough to stop the onslaught of the Whiteskins, who had seven players score double-digits. Strong showings from Anderson, Rudolph, Hauschka, and the Legion of Boom supplemented great games by DeMarco Murray and Antonio Brown. However, the Whiteskins really pulled away from the competition by picking up Matt Ryan off of the waiver wire, who threw for over 500 yards and four touchdowns (35.5 points). The author’s connection to the Whiteskins is widely known, but now that the question of quarterback seems to be resolved, anyone would say that it would be hard to find a more complete squad. Are the Whiteskins the new team to beat? I’m afraid that honor still belongs to the despotic, undefeated Jamaal Charles In Charge, but if this play continues, it would be hard to deny the Skins that spot.
We award the Winner of the Week to the Washington Whiteskins for the second week in a row, as they once again set the record for most points scored. You, O Skins, are a worthy adversary, the hero that this league needs, but not the one it deserves.
Washington Whiteskins (3-1): 135.7
Always Next Year (1-3): 97.2
Bunch of Mularkeys (2-1) @ Morgan Token Girl (2-1)
And now, for the game you’ve all been waiting for. The grudge match. The relationship rivalry. The sweetheart scuffle. That’s right: the first biannual Schatzwell Bowl. And boy, did it deliver. The projected scores fluctuated back and forth through the first set of games, until the Token Girl’s Crabtree grabbed three (touchdowns) and the Girls never looked back. The return of Le’Veon Bell did not disappoint, and great outings by Gordon, Henry, and Hyde put the Girls well above that sad Bunch. Although the Mularkeys did not have a terrible game per se, the efforts of Rivers, Gore, D. Johnson, and Lambo were just not enough, just like it was not enough for their real NFL teams. If this was college football, this game would be considered a “quality loss;” however, this is real life, and losers get no compensation prize. The Mularkeys definitely have the last game of the regular season circled, as they have a chance to get revenge (and possibly play spoiler) to their long-time rival. The Token Girls are coming into their own, scoring above 115 points in each of the last two weeks, and we see no reason for this trend to stop. At the beginning of the season, we believed that the Token Girls would be in the basement; how wrong we were. Watch out everyone: this team plays like girls, and that should scare you.
Morgan Token Girl (3-1): 127.0
Bunch of Mularkeys (2-2): 95
- Washington Whiteskins (Last Week: 3): In light of increasing racial tensions across America, especially in an election year, it feels rather off-putting to place a team named the Whiteskins at the top of the rankings.
- Morgan Token Girl (2): If only Valerie Solanas could have lived to see this team.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (1): While we celebrate his fall in the rankings, remember, friends, that when a regime starts to show cracks of weakness they tend to step up their oppressiveness.
- One of Will’s Henchmen (5): This team is like a joey riding in its mother’s pouch, sucking at its teat, and using it to advance in the power rankings.
- Bunch of Mularkeys (4): Their performance is at least better than that of their namesake’s team.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (6): It’s not surprising that a team that openly flaunts its sexism is using a rapist as a steed to rise up the rankings.
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (7): If their fantasy scores are indicative of the quality of the blunts they produce, it’s safe to assume they’re probably not that good good kush, and moreso that bushweed you got from your cousin when you were fourteen.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (8): OUR Reigning Champion sits in the lower strata of the rankings, and you have to wonder why. Is it his affiliation with hashtag Alphasquad, a rebel alliance trying to bring justice to the league, freedom fighters now branded as terrorists by the oppressive hierarchy?
- Always Next Year (10): A young explorer once happen’d upon this former king’s great works covered in sand on a league homepage lost to cruel time, our master who pushes on against our will. Inscribed on the trophy, the wanderer read “My name is Clancy, King of Kings,/ Look on my fantasy football team, ye mighty, and despair.”
- Kirsten Dunst (9): When the ocean’s rise, and the freshwater supply begins to dwindle, and oil becomes scarce, and the pillars of human society start to collapse, and football stadiums either decay or get converted to barbaric thunderdome style stadiums for chieftains in the new tribal system, none of this will matter. Absolutely none of it. I’ll be living in the remains of the empty MetLife Stadium, scavenging for food, bearing the harsh winters in a bathroom stall where drunkards one time used to piss on the floor, too inebriated to hit the toilet. I’ll consider this and the excess of the world we live in, and wonder how didn’t we see this coming, and then it’ll dawn on me. “Because we all spent time wasting away, blinding ourselves to our meaningless lot in life, by doing shit like playing fantasy football,” I’ll say. And then I’ll remember how all the effort everyone took to wake up early on Sunday morning to see if that tight end was going to play or not was worthless, and that the reason I’m still alive is because I decided to not wake up that one morning that the freak disease that wiped out anyone who was awake randomly destroyed the human race, and the fact that I slept through “tinker” time on Sunday is the only reason I’m still alive.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-0)
- Morgan Token Girl (3-1)
- Bunch of Mularkeys (2-2)
- YOUR Reigning Champion (1-3)
- Kirsten Dunst (0-4)
- Washington Whiteskins (3-1)
- One of Will’s Henchmen (2-2)
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (2-2)
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (2-2)
- Always Next Year (1-3)
By L. Xavier & Alex Sniatkowski