Parallel universes have excited scientists and sci-fi enthusiasts for a myriad of reasons (perhaps there is a universe where science is considered hip and sci-fi is an aphrodisiac!). In these universes, up can be down, left can be right, black can be white. Although invisible to the untrained eye, the DuFour Memorial League seems to have entered a parallel universe of its own this week, as teams previously praised have stumbled, and teams written off have triumphed. Week 5 will live on in infamy during this 2016 campaign, as an inane fluke, a fall from grace, or the beginning of the turnaround. Forget everything you thought you knew about this league: you’re in the upside-down now.
Washington Whiteskins (3-1) @ LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (2-2)
The Whiteskins were coming off of two strong games in a row, where they not only notched two victories, but set consecutive records for most points scored each week. The Blount Factories were reeling after a close loss to the Browns, where they failed to score even eighty points. All signs pointed to a blowout, and a blowout occurred. In the Upside-Down Raymond A. DuFour Memorial League however, it was the Blount Factories stomping the Skins. Their combination of Marshall and Elliott proved to be unstoppable, with 285 total yards and three touchdowns between them (46.5 points), as well as good showings by Rodgers and the Bills defense. The Skins’ office surely thought that Theo Riddick’s twenty-point half would be of some value, but the rest of the team’s under-performance sunk any hope they may have had. Are the Blount Factories back in the playoff race? In the Upside-Down League, anything is possible. They are still averaging under one hundred points per game, but they are also tied for first in the highly competitive Western Division. We’re high on Blounts this week, but we will withhold our judgement until they smoke out another opponent.
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3-2): 107.8
Washington Whiteskins (3-2): 84.5
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (2-2) @ Morgan Token Girl (3-1)
If I told you that one of these feminine teams had four players score more than eighteen points while the other didn’t start a single one, it would be easy to assume which one was which, right? Wrong. You’re in the Upside-Down League now, remember? The previously woeful Browns were pitted against the 17-point favorite Token Girls, but the Browns celebrated Columbus Day in style by massacring their unwitting adversary. The Browns had extraordinary performances from Roethlisberger, Freeman, Artis-Payne, Fitzgerald, and Evans, and the Girls answered with… Carlos Hyde? Surely neither owner saw this coming, but is it time to believe in the Browns, or are they just a flop? Their three-game win streak is currently the best in the league, they’ve averaged over 108 points per game in that time, and they are tied for first in the West. The Brown’s front office has already ordered the “Memorial League Champions” apparel (t-shirts, hats, moccasins), and will begin taking orders by the end of the week.
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-2): 116.7
Morgan Token Girl (3-2): 96.3
Kirsten Dunst (0-4) @ YOUR Reigning Champion (1-3)
Not one week after declaring their intention to ally with another under the pitiful #AlphaSquad banner, the lowly Dunsts and disgraced Reigning Champions squared off to see who was truly the worst of the worst. If you thought we were about to recap an exciting, high-scoring matchup because we are in the Upside-Down League, you would be wrong. These team’s inadequacies span all universes, all time and space, and all dimensions. But that doesn’t mean things aren’t slightly different for the #AlphaSquad! Quake in your boots, fantasy owners, for the fearful and mighty Dunsts have finally notched their first victory! Yes, they did it against a team with an identically abysmal record, and no, they still have not broken one hundred points, but they did what was thought impossible! The #AlphaSquad, whose motto insures that “they always win,” finally notched their second victory! What’s that you say? Of course one of them had to win? I’m not sure I understand the question. The alliance has turned its season around, and will surely claim the yet-unmade Memorial League Tag Team Championships (due to lack of competition). The real championship? Please. Not even in a parallel universe.
Kirsten Dunst (1-4): 96.3
YOUR Reigning Champion (1-4): 85.1
Always Next Year (1-3) @ One of Will’s Henchmen (2-2)
This matchup may not have been seemed as full-blown Upside-Down League, but it certainly had an uncanny feeling about it. The Henchmen have been a consistent and solid team all season long, never scoring below 96 points (no doubt due to collusion with his dastardly overlord), but most thought that would end soon. Mix in the return of Tom Brady to the Always Next Year’s roster, and it seemed it would be a close game between the two. To put it gently, let’s just say Brady’s efforts were the only reason the Next Years even broke 50, as he had more than 42% of his team’s total points. The Next Year’s moniker is looking more accurate every week, and, to make matters worse for their poor fans, rumors have it that they may join the woeful #AlphaSquad. Oh how the mighty have fallen. The efforts of the Henchmen are not to be overlooked, as they posted the second best score in the league, and are now a part of the four-way tie for first place in the strong Western division. But just as their name implies inferiority, the Henchmen won’t be taken seriously until they make a name for themselves apart from the oppressive commissioner’s rule.
Always Next Year, we unceremoniously award you with the Loser of the Week. In your defense, Tom Brady is only a system quarterback, and your system just doesn’t seem to work.
One of Will’s Henchmen (3-2): 121.9
Always Next Year (1-4): 69.9
Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-0) @ Bunch of Mularkeys (2-2)
The nefarious, cheating, censoring, criminal, despotic Jamaal Charles in Charge have ruled the league with an iron fist since day one, crushing any resistance with impunity. The Mularkeys muddled in mediocrity, doing fairly well one week and blowing it the next. In the regular Memorial League, it would seem evil would win hands down. In the Upside-Down League… That’s right. It happened. Good has won, darkness has been vanquished. Not only did evil lose, but they took such a beatdown that the neurotic overlord threatened to cancel the entire league. The divine Mularkeys nearly doubled the points the former undefeated team had. The commissioner has no power in the Upside-Down League–only chaos rules. Yes, dear readers, the wicked witch is dead, but in this vacuum of power, who will assume control? We wish it to be none other than the Mularkeys, who have freed us from our captor’s hand. They have shown themselves more than capable, more than able, more than anything we could have ever dreamed of. “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
We have never been more overjoyed than to award the Winner of the Week award to the opponent of the commissioner, the champion of truth, the hero of justice, the Bunch of Mularkeys. You have defeated the emperor, and now you must wear his mantle. Lead us into the promised land.
Bunch of Mularkeys (3-2): 153.3
Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-1): 83.8
Next Week’s Matchup to Watch:
Jamaal Charles in Charge vs. Always Next Year
How far can the commissioner fall? We’re all excited to find out!
- Bunch of Mularkeys (Last Week: 5): Rising from ninth in the power rankings to the top is no small feat. This revolutionary, a real proletariat, has finally usurped our bourgeois establishment. A true Castro has ascended. ¡Viva La Revolucion!
- Morgan Token Girl (2): And just as our new beautiful socialist utopia has entered its nascent stage,women will no longer be thrown to the side and forced to cannibalize one another through predatory capitalism. Nay, women shall be equal to all men and reach the same heights in our new strata.
- One of Will’s Henchmen (4): Will this would-be-Antony turn Brutus and use his lord’s demise for his own gain, shedding the weight of his deposed master?
- Washington Whiteskins (1): It only took the Trump campaign two weeks to implode. We’ve already seen this team have a steep drop after being number one last week. Will the plummetting continue?
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (3): It must be pretty embarrassing falling lower than your own henchman.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (6): More stagnant than the Sargasso Sea. The only distinct quality of this team is its owner’s massive ego.
- Lagarrette’s Blount Factory (7): They’ve spent more time in the cellar than Josh Gordon’s suspension.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (8): It’s a shame that the first generation of revolutionaries never sees their vision manifested. After their brief championship led the league through its own Springtime of the People, they were struck down by a spiteful and vengeful regime. Now they must watch from the sidelines as the vision they instilled in our hearts and minds becomes a reality.
- Kirsten Dunst (10): False hopes breed delusions of grandeur no more. For a young man to find happiness in such small things shall blind him, render his senses impotent. A one rank ascendancy will not disrupt the Great Chain of Being, as order will continue on unchanged.
- Always Next Year (9): Imagine an immaculate Tom Brady floating around in a cesspool of excrement and waste, and that should give you a good image of this team.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-1)
- Bunch of Mularkeys (3-2)
- Morgan Token Girl (3-2)
- YOUR Reigning Champion (1-4)
- Kirsten Dunst (1-4)
- One of Will’s Henchmen (3-2)
- Washington Whiteskins (3-2)
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-2)
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3-2)
- Always Next Year (1-4)
By L. Xavier & Alex Sniatkowski