Last week we declared that the Raymond A. Dufour Memorial League had become the Raymond A. Dufour Upside-Down League due to the shocking amount of upsets that occurred. This week may be no different, as the three worst teams in the league won against favored opponents, but for the sake of freshness, we have opted to dub this week Blow-Out Week. Some of the older fans of the league may be wondering why I named this week after the 1981 Travolta classic, but I assure you, it is purely coincidental, as that film was thrilling, and this week’s games were anything but. We did like the tagline for the film however, and thought it a fitting title for the absolute shellackings recounted below.
Kirsten Dunst (1-4) @ Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-2)
Just when we thought we were ready to believe in the Browns, this happens. The Browns have been the hottest team in the league the last three weeks (3-0, 108.4 pts/game), and this matchup against the pathetic Dunst was shaping up to be rather one-sided, and then the Browns go out and score 52.8 points. Their highest scoring player did not even have ten points! Surely the #AlphaSquad must be eyeing the Browns to join their woeful faction, as a performance this terrible warrants some consideration for admittance. Kirsten Dunst won this week by default by posting their second-best performance all year! Good job, Dunst! You guys look great out there, and will really be scary in a couple of years! Maybe you’ll even break one hundred points someday!
We award the Loser of the Week to the Browns, in what was (and we hope and pray will forever be) the worst football performance we have seen since the Jets played… last Monday night. Oh, and everyone knows that Johnny Marr was the only truly talented member in the Smiths.
Kirsten Dunst (2-4): 97.2
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-3): 52.8
YOUR Reigning Champion (1-4) @ LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3-2)
Ladies and gentlemen, the streak is over. The Reigning Champion’s league-worst four game slide, where they averaged 76.2 points per game (not once breaking 90), is done. The Champs doubled their entire season’s output in a mere few hours this Sunday, marking the first time that both original teams of the #AlphaSquad won in the same week all season! There is no indication this trend will continue (or even occur ever again), but who are we to disparage a team finally looking like they are shaking off the rust from the offseason. The championship hangover hasn’t been cured, but this game is more of a first mimosa of the brunch, a temporary balm for the ill. Luck, Stewart, Cooks, and Gronkowski’s return to form aided the Champs in their return to theirs, while the Factory had terrible production from Coates, Maclin, and Kelce. The ever-silent front office of the Factories will certainly want to make some minor adjustments after their worst performance of the season, but don’t expect to hear about them until they happen. Wikileaks has often said that the Factories have been their hardest target to hack to date, as getting information from their mysterious owner is near-impossible.
YOUR Reigning Champion (2-4): 112.8
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3-3): 74.0
Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-1) @ Always Next Year (1-4)
This week, the #AlphaSquad announced that they would relinquish control to the owner of the Always Next Years, a team who boasted the same abysmal record as the other two squad members. At the time, it seemed baffling, but the newly minted leader of #AlphaSquad had a statement game against the other head honcho of the league, the Big Bad Commissioner. In a brash, hot-dogging move, the Always Next Years started an inactive Will Fuller and a Steelers defense that scored -4 points against the best team in the league, and still managed to post the best score of the week against them. Their five best players (Brady, Miller, West, Fleener, Matt Jones) averaged 24.1 points each (only one player on the In Charges scored more). This is the second week that the formerly powerful commissioner has lost to the highest scoring team, so many are wondering if he is losing his iron grip on his formerly oppressive kingdom. Will free thought and creative expression finally have a chance in the land? Can citizens walk around without fearing for their life? Only God knows. We at Fawkes welcome the new #AlphaSquad overlord, long may he reign. Perhaps if he ditched the other two losers he could really make something out of #AlphaSquad.
We at Fawkes award the Winner of the Week to the Always Next Year. Your mercy killing of the commissioner will never be forgotten, and neither will your good looks, charm, and wisdom.
Always Next Year (2-4): 125.2
Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-2): 92.7
Morgan Token Girl (3-2) @ One of Will’s Henchmen (3-2)
This match was built up like a storybook, with the quintessential noble heroine pitted against the stereotypical lackey villain, a genuinely kind-hearted protagonist opposite a lowly crook, a knight in shining armor versus a bloated cave-troll. This match played out nothing like a fairy-tale however, as our good-natured Token Girls were tripped up by the ill-statured Henchmen. Or, perhaps it would be more apt to say they tripped up themselves, as benching H. Henry, R. Woods, and A. Jeffrey over their abysmal counterparts prevented the Token Girls from breaking the eighty-point mark, a season first. The Henchmen played as well as their shrunken black hearts could have possibly hoped for, and are now alongside their evil overlord in the standings, a place they undoubtedly think they deserve. As we all know, their ascension was propagated by none other than the commissioner himself, in a not-so-subtle attempt to win the trophy for himself while creating some illusion of “parity” in this league.
One of Will’s Henchmen (4-2): 97.5
Morgan Token Girl (3-3): 77.1
Bunch of Mularkeys (3-2) @ Washington Whiteskins (3-2)
Believe it or not, the decision of this week’s only matchup between two lone wolves was actually extremely close coming into Monday night, but then David Johnson happened. Or should I say Todd Bowles and Kacy Rogers happened. The Whiteskins were winning 80.0–66.9 coming into the night, and the Mularkeys were only projected to score four more points than the Skins, but then the Jets decided it would be a good idea to surrender 138 yards from scrimmage and three touchdowns against arguably the best back in the NFL right now. The Mularkeys again relied on their Johnson for victory, while the once-promising Skins suffered a second straight defeat. They surely hope to stop the slide against one of the #AlphaSquad next week, while the Mularkeys look to continue their two-game win streak against the same. While this may not have been as convincing of a victory as last week’s, it was good enough to have them slide into first place, and we could think of no place better for the giant-killer himself.
Bunch of Mularkeys (4-2): 98.9
Washington Whiteskins (3-3): 80.0
Next Week’s Matchup to Watch:
Always Next Year vs. Bunch of Mularkeys:
Tune in to see if the new leader of the #AlphaSquad can continue his dominance against the league’s newly crowned prince. Even against such tough competition, he’s the only member of the faction that has a fighting chance next week.
- Bunch of Mularkeys (Last Week: 1): On dairy farms, after milking the cow, the milker lets his bucket sit for a while. During this time, the fattier part of the milk, flows to the top of the bucket due to its density. The farmer then skims this thicker substance off the top of the liquid. This thicker part of the milk is commonly known as cream. Because of the consistency of this process, we can confidently say that in the process of making milk, the cream always rises to the top. Well, the Mularkeys must be byproduct of cow milk, because after starting at ninth in the power rankings, they’ve risen to the top of this milk bucket of a fantasy football league.
- One of Will’s Henchmen (3): Just like the vice president in many blockbuster films, it seems that this team has successfully bypassed his dear leader and taken the reigns for himself. We criticize his parasitic clinginess, but it seems like his sycophancy has paid dividends.
- Morgan Token Girl(2): They say when a boy shoots a gun, he becomes a man. Well the Token Girls are by no stretches men. They’re the token girls, and if they’re going to mature into “Token Women,” they’re going to need to viciously castrate the two boys ahead of her and stand proudly on the teams carcasses.
- Washington Whiteskins (4): Ah, how just the shade of one’s hue can have such power on his appearance. It seems their blinding pale color this team has helped them blend in amongst the league’s best.
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (5): Even more embarrassing than having his soviet style regime deposed is the inevitability of the forced abdication of his name and title.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (6): Seems like their annual growth economically is less than three percent, because this team is stagnating.
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (7): Nah, I get it. Staying at Seven week after week makes sense. Seven is an auspicious number. I feel you.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (8): “The world has turned and left me here. Just where I was before you appeared. And in your space, I rank eighth place.” Is that a classic Weezer song, or just the Reigning Champion singing to his trophy?
- Always Next Year (10): While their name wouldn’t find favor with Christopher Marlowe, their decision to carpe the diem last Sunday certainly would.
- Kirsten Dunst (9): Maybe a rebranding effort will help. Maybe nothing will. Maybe we’re all just living in a simulation anyway. Who knows? Who cares?
- Bunch of Mularkeys (4-2)
- Jamaal Charles in Charge (4-2)
- Morgan Token Girl (3-3)
- YOUR Reigning Champion (2-4)
- Kirsten Dunst (2-4)
- One of Will’s Henchmen (4-2)
- Washington Whiteskins (3-3)
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-3)
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3-3)
- Always Next Year (2-4)