Up to this point of the 2016 Memorial League Season, we have been giving in-depth matchup breakdowns and short power ranking blurbs each and every week. The power rankings were generated from the commissioner’s office every Tuesday, and we published them here with our own short blurb about each team. I examined the rankings formula earlier this week however, and found the results rather shocking. The Commissioner’s formula merely multiplied wins, total points, and then average points together for absolutely no rhyme or reason. As one member of the league pointed out, this formula was essentially useless and redundant (average points and total points are statistically equivalent when every team plays the same number of games). So in lieu of in-depth recaps of each of the week’s games, I labored over a new power rankings formula that would more accurately gauge a team’s performance in a standardized, reactive manner. But first, some brief game snapshots.
Washington Dinglebops (5-2) @ One of Will’s Henchmen (5-2)
The master reminded his lackey who’s boss in humiliating fashion (for both of them). Like public bondage humiliation, this left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth who was involved or witnessed it.
Henchmen, you’re the Loser of the Week, and possibly of the Year. Actually, the last five or six years haven’t been great for you either.
Washington Dinglebops (6-2): 88.8
One of Will’s Henchmen (5-3): 48.4
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3-4) @ Charles De Gaulle (2-5)
Charles De Gaulle is dead and he could probably set a better lineup than this team (Jamaal Charles didn’t even play you nincompoop), and the Blounts finally packed a punch. Or a bowl. Or his bags after throwing a temper tantrum because “da mean coach man wouldn’t play me.” Whatever. You’re not giving me much to work with here, Collin.
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (4-4): 107.3
Charles De Gaulle (2-6): 81.1
Morgan Token Girl (4-3) @ The Macho Men (3-4)
Boys drool, girls rule.
Morgan Token Girl (5-3): 95.7
The Macho Men (3-5):82.7
YOUR Reigning Champion (3-4) @ Always Next Year (2-5)
Apparently the full name of this team was “YOUR Reigning Champion For Thankfully Only Fifty-Four More Days” but that was too long. The Always Next Year moniker has been printed in full, however.
YOUR Reigning Champion (4-4): 123.6
Always Next Year (2-6): 109.3
Bunch of Mularkeys (5-2) @ Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-4)
The sugar pie honey Bunch win against yet another soft opponent. The only thing lower than the other team’s score was the level of creativity and humor in its name.
Bunch of Mularkeys (6-2): 94.7
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-5): 68.2
Next Week’s Matchup to Watch:
Washington Dinglebops vs. Bunch of Mularkeys
Can the team that dropped one hundred and fifty points on the commissioner in their last matchup do it again? We sure hope not. We hope they drop three hundred.
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the new and improved Fawkes Power Rankings.
The way the updated Power Rankings system works is simple in concept, yet slightly complex in design. Like any good power ranking, this method is not only an indicator of season-long success, but also accounts for how “hot” or “cold” a team is any current week. This ranking system is broken down to 50% winning percentage, 40% median points, and 10% “hotness.” The winning percentage category is easy to explain: if a team is undefeated, they earn a full 50% of those ranking points; if a team is 4-4, they earn 25%.
The idea behind the next two categories is easy to grasp, although its deployment may take a little more explanation. Because fantasy football can produce drastically inconsistent scores, a pure season-point average is not the best statistic to use; rather, the more relatively stable median is. It goes up with good performances and down with poor ones, but it does not wildly fluctuate due to statistical outliers (see, Mularkeys, Week 5, or Henchmen, this week). The median is then normalized to ESPN’s average score needed to win (93 points). If a team’s median score is exactly 93, they will earn exactly forty percentage points. Due to the theoretically limitless scores of fantasy football, the amount a team can score in this category is not capped at 40%, allowing for a few extra points that can be picked up here and there.
The final (and surely most controversial) metric used in the Fawkes Power Rankings is the “Hotness” factor. Typical sports power rankings account for whether a team appears to be heating up or cooling off, usually in merely subjective ways. We attempted to quantify this nebulous “unquantifiable” by examining the team’s current winning or losing streak and their average score over their past three games. The first part may seem painstakingly obvious (the more you win, the more points you get), but the second adds a clever twist of fairness. For example, if a team is on a three-game win streak but has failed to score more than 90 points in any of the three games, one would not consider them particularly strong but lucky, and the hotness ranking would not reward them as handsomely. On the other hand, if a team averaged 110 points on a three-game slide, their hotness ranking would not immediately nosedive. Weak wins and competitive losses are both accounted for with the “Hotness” metric, making the Fawkes Power Rankings both more responsive and more comprehensive overall.
Without further ado, the Week 8 Fawkes Power Rankings.
|Bunch Of Mularkeys||17.83%||98.51%|
|Morgan Token Girl||14.01%||88.17%|
|YOUR Reigning Champion||19.58%||86.13%|
|One of Will’s Henchmen||9.78%||81.94%|
|LeGarrette’s Blount Factory||11.55%||76.09%|
|The Macho Men||8.83%||67.19%|
|Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs||7.74%||64.34%|
|Always Next Year||11.00%||59.53%|
|Charles De Gaulle||9.83%||57.61%|
- Bunch of Mularkeys (Last Week: 1): As he approaches on horseback each week, his opponents hear the opening whistle from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly in the depths of their subconscious. The spurs on his boot reflect the deserts hot sun. His hat hangs low on his face revealing the sliver of detached and confident countenance. As he rolls into each Sunday showdown, his hand is quick on the trigger, striking all opponents dead in their tracks.
- Washington Dinglebops (3): The only thing that makes this team hot is their fantasy football performance. I assure you of that. We should be clear that their “hotness” is purely contained to the network of ones and zeros that make up ESPN’s Fantasy Football App.
- Morgan Token Girl (4): At the beginning of September, Ridley Scott’s son, Luke Scott, released his directorial debut, Morgan– a film about “a bioengineered child who begins walking and talking after one month of existence, exceeding the wildest expectations of her creators.” At the beginning of September, the Morgan Token Girls entered into the Memorial League and began to handedly win games, exceeding the wildest expectations of the entire league.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (5): YOUR Reigning Champion is an exiled king riding back into England to claim his throne. He has the righteousness of God and Virtue on his side.
- One of Will’s Henchmen (2): After trying on the master suit for the last couple of weeks, the Henchmen have returned to their submissive role.
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (8): Where most teams waste their time trying to conceive of new and creative names, the Blount Factory has used the easiest pun in the game. That being said, it seems their creative juices have been appropriated to maintaining absolute adequacy.
- The Macho Men (6): Oftentimes, the flaunting of a man’s muscles are to overcompensate for something else that is lacking. In this case, that appears to be the owner’s fantasy football team. We hope that’s all he’s overcompensating for.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (7): As the Token Girls smash through the halls of this boys club, the last vestiges of the old order are slowly decaying into archaic anonymity. Being that toxic masculinity is kind of what football is built on, it’s barely surprising that its poison is slowly eating this team from the inside out.
- Always Next Year (9): “Always Next Year”- it’s a sentiment shared by a select few of the sports world, namely Jets, Mets, Islanders, and Youngbloods fans.
- Charles De Gaulle (10): Charles De Gaulle never watched football. It seems that this team has not either.
- Bunch of Mularkeys (6-2)
- Washington Dinglebops (6-2)
- Morgan Token Girl (5-3)
- YOUR Reigning Champion (4-4)
- Charles De Gaulle (2-6)
- One of Will’s Henchmen (5-3)
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (4-4)
- The Macho Men (3-5)
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-5)
- Always Next Year (2-6)