“Sorry to keep you waiting folks. Fantasy football is complicated business, complicated business.” We apologize for the lack of fantasy football coverage from last week, as our authors and editors were too tired/burnt-out/hungover from last Tuesday night (I mean, what a Smackdown!) to post any fantasy football coverage. Much to the chagrin of fans and organizations alike, we scheduled ourselves for an impromptu bye week, which gave us extra time to prepare and strategize for Week 10. A lot has changed since we checked in two weeks ago, so we’ll give a quick summary of Week 9 before getting into all of this week’s exciting action.
Week 9 Quick Look:
Cool Kids Do Basketball (2-6) @ Morgan Token Girl (5-3)
Nothing Token about these Girls, as they notch their third strong win in a row. Rumors have it that the owner of the Cool Kids (nee Always Next Years) was inquiring about how to draft Tom Brady onto their basketball team. Perhaps he will prove a more apt manager in that regard, but if this league is any indication, don’t hold your breath.
Morgan Token Girl (6-3): 114.4
Cool Kids Do Basketball (2-7): 106.4
Bunch of Mularkeys (6-2) @ Russell Wilson’s Lost Virginity (6-2)
Fans of Hillary Clinton and the Mularkeys, look away. Your worst nightmares are coming true. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wins again.
Russell Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-2): 113.8
Bunch of Mularkeys (6-3): 101.5
YOUR Reigning Champion (4-4) @ Charles De Gaulle (2-5)
A reversal of form for the #AlphaSquad? Nay, in their communistic alliance, equality in all comes above all, so trading wins and losses in their trivial matchups should come as no surprise. (Congratulations to the real Charles De Gaulle, who can add “finally had the fantasy football team named in his honor score above one hundred points in week nine” to his lengthy list of accomplishments! Surely, this ranks somewhere between the airport and the Grand-Croix of the Légion d’honneur.)
Reigning Champion, you are the Loser of the Week. O, how pride goeth before the fall.
Charles De Gaulle (3-6): 105.1
YOUR Reigning Champion (4-5): 79.2
One of Will’s Henchmen (5-3) @ LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (4-4)
The Blounts light it up, but the Henchmen did not get contact high.
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (5-4): 102.8
One of Will’s Henchmen (5-4): 86.4
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (3-5) @ The Macho Men (3-5)
The Raymond A. DuFour Memorial league may be the only place where you hear “The Browns win! The Browns win!” anytime this year, but it’s still surprising. Also, we haven’t seen a pre-season favorite like The Macho Men perform so poorly since… Well, last Tuesday.
The Browns are the Week 9 Winners of the Week. Are they here to stay? We don’t know for sure, but they packed an overnight bag.
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (4-5): 116.0
The Macho Men (3-6): 94.0
And now, for your Week 10 recaps and rankings!
Cool Kids Do Basketball (2-7) @ LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (5-4)
As a child, I attended an anti-drug program called D.A.R.E., in which we were told that drugs are bad and were given pencils and t-shirts and basketballs to entertain ourselves with instead of doing drugs. We filled out workbooks, performed group activities, and even got to ask a real life police officer questions about anything we wanted! If my memory serves me correctly, we spent about six weeks learning about all sorts of different drugs, what they were called, what they did to you, etc. The gist of the program was, to paraphrase one of our weekly mantras, that “cool kids don’t do drugs.” Instead, cool kids can wear our t-shirts, write with our pencils, or play with our basketballs! To cut a long story and terrible parable short, I want those six weeks of my life back, as clearly none of that is actually true in the real world.
We award the Winner of the Week award to Mr. Big Pharma himself, the LeGarrette’s Blount Factory. May your flame burn eternal.
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (6-4): 119.0
Cool Kids Do Basketball (2-8): 73.9
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (4-5) @ One of Will’s Henchmen (5-4)
Without further ado, the Sealy’s™ Snoozer of the Week! This week’s matchup between the Browns and the Henchmen is hopefully the worst game of fantasy football I ever have to recap, as we have had single teams outscore both opponents this week combined. The Henchmen technically won, yes, but they only posted a higher score than three other teams the last two weeks! For any other team, we would say “Lucky!” and move on, but this has the greasy fingerprints of the commissioner all over it. When your team name is more heavy-handed and sycophantic than a North Korean propaganda piece,the questions ask themselves. Almost half of the Browns points came from a single player (Roethlisberger), who scored more points than seven of his players combined. I almost don’t have enough italics for this team, they are really just that bad.
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs is Week 10’s Loser of the Week, after being last week’s top scorer. Manic highs and depressive lows? Sound crazy? The only positive thing we can say about this team is that they are aptly named.
One of Will’s Henchmen (6-4): 80.0
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (4-6): 65.2
Charles De Gaulle (3-6) @ Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (3-6)
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” The Macho Men (formerly Whiteskins) had tried everything: snapping up every handcuff left on the waiver wire, picking up kickers or defenses weeks in advance, tinkering with their lineup at every wee hour of the morning. Yet no matter how hard they tried, they still could not stop their five game slide. If only they remembered the most important fantasy football remedy of all: R-E-B-R-A-N-D. If you’re having trouble understanding this new direction they have chosen, perhaps a snippet of a great ode can help: “Morpheus, Dorpheus, Orpheus/Go eat some walruses.//Orifices, Porridges/Morpheus, Morpheus./Going to the Buffet and Walruses.//Corpheus, Corpseses/Worcestershire sauce/Go into your orifices.” Obviously not even the great leader of the French Resistance could resist this. The De Gaulles have yet to notch a win against a team with a winning record (two easy wins against the Reigning Champ), but to say their playoff push is petering out would be false, because it never began in the first place. Thank goodness the real De Gaulle had better strategization skills than this team, or else we might be remembering Hitler a little more fondly. On the other side of the gridiron, the newly christened Morpheus defies all expectations and all logic, as their one victory has propelled them from second to last in the league back into the projected playoff bracket. And you know what we have to say about that? SEASHELLS BY THE SEASHORPHEUS.
Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (4-6): 112.6
Charles De Gaulle (3-7): 93.9
Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-2) @ Morgan Token Girl (6-3)
On the other side of the rebranding department, the league commissioner has decided to throw away all semblance of good taste and virtue with the most heinous rebranding effort of all time. It manages to offend religious peoples (by making light of celibacy), those with third grade spelling proficiency (by misspelling their protagonist’s name), those with any rationality (by not even having the player in question on their team), and those who thirst for creativity (by rehashing an old joke that even we have already made). They deserved a fate most cruel of all for fantasy owners: playing a one-touchdown, “theoretically-possible-to-win” game that is decided on a Monday night. And then losing. The Token Girls are definitely the hottest team in the league right now, averaging 109 points a game on their three game win streak. But just like in Saudi Arabia, the Girls aren’t in the driver’s seat just yet, but expect both of those to change very soon.
Morgan Token Girl (7-3): 117.5
Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-3): 110.0
Bunch of Mularkeys (6-3) @ YOUR Reigning Champion (4-5)
After last week’s loss to their (and the league’s) nemesis in the Commissioner, the Mularkeys hoped to get back to their winning ways against none other than the commissioner’s brother, the puppet champion installed by this nepotistic regime. This week’s efforts were actually slightly worse than last’s, but it was more than enough to put away the lesser brother. All potty humor aside, Mularkey rode his Johnson back to first place in the Memorial League, while the Champions slipped out of the projected playoff bracket. After their three-game win streak, I was openly criticized by the owner of YOUR Reigning Champion for not giving them the respect they deserved. I would like to defend myself and say that Fawkes gave them exactly the respect a streaky team who got lucky deserves. To quote the late, great Dennis Green, “They are who we thought they were!” Except this time, we definitely didn’t leave them off the hook.
Bunch of Mularkeys (7-3): 100.6
YOUR Reigning Champion (4-6): 90.8
- Morgan Token Girl (Last Week: 2): It’s like winning the popular vote; it’s nice but there’s no guarantee you actually win it all. Chances are the playoff system will find some way to make a white man the winner of the league.
- Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (1): Remember when your dad said if you spend too much time thinking about girls, it’ll make you bad at sports? Case in point.
- Bunch Of Mularkeys (3): Yeah, malarkey is certainly the ruling faction in 2016.
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (4): Great to see them finally step it up in the rankings. Sad thing is how quickly they’ll probably get shut down after this year’s inauguration.
- One of Will’s Henchmen (5): At this point the Henchmen are slated to play their dear leader in the first round of the playoffs. The question is who will bend the kneemore quickly: the henchman to the Lost Virginities, or Reince Priebus and the rest of the Republican party to the prez-elect?
- Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (9): I don’t even know what this name means, but it’s provocative and it gets the power rankings going.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (7): Things are looking grim for OUR Reigning Champion. But it’s not time to give up, if the New York Giants can sneak into the playoffs with a wildcard bid and run the table, why can’t this team?
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (6): Maybe with less time needed to fret over the reception of their name, they’ll be able to spend more time working on their lineup in the homestretch.
- Charles De Gaulle (8): Is getting used to being ranked so low each week. It’s going to be a hard time for journalists and writers over the next four years with a president who genuinely has voiced disdain for freedom of the press, freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech. Speaking truth to power is going to get a lot harder, so I guess it’s just time we got used to such a low ranking. At least it’s not like the prison sentences journalists are going to find themselves with in the future. Unless you write for Breitbart News, of course. Or the NY Observer. Just depends on who wins the race to become Trump’s Pravda, Steve Bannon or Jared Kushner.
- Cool Kids Do Basketball (10): I heard the owner’s Fantasy Basketball team is in first place.
- Bunch of Mularkeys
- Morgan Token Girl
- Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity
- YOUR Reigning Champion
- Charles De Gaulle
- One of Will’s Henchmen
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory
- Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs
- Cool Kids Do Basketball
By L. Xavier & Alex Sniatkowski