The Memorial League has begun reaching its zenith. The fury, the madness, and the chaos of the regular season has come to its full crescendo: the playoff push. In these next three weeks, hopes will be realized and dashed, egos inflated and demolished, feelings elated and crushed. Although no one has technically been eliminated just yet, the playoff picture has started coming into focus. See which teams have clinched, which are in control of their own destiny, and which may end up on the outside looking in.
Bennet Career Institute (3-7) @ Bunch of Mularkeys (7-3)
The Bunch of Mularkeys continued their league-wide dominance against a freshly named Bennet (sic) Career Institute, maiden name de Gaulle. The Mularkeys are consistently solid from top to bottom, and were led this week by (who else) D. Johnson, Wilson, and the Vikes defense, who alone combined for more points than three other teams this week. With this win, the rowdy Bunch has officially clinched a playoff berth. The only question that remains is whether they can hold onto their razor-thin lead over the Token Girls, and it seems that their showdown in the final week will be for the coveted first-round bye. On the other side of the field limps in the lowly Bennet (sic) Career Institutes (maiden name De Gaulle), which is not, as some believed, named for a for-profit, recently outlawed online “college,” but named rather for a beauty school in northeast Washington, D.C. It is yet to be seen if the real Institute is expanding their social media outreach in the strangest of ways or if a competitor has linked their name to this terrible squad in an effort to ruin the Institute’s reputation. With their loss this week, the Bennets (sic) are essentially eliminated from playoff contention; technically, the only possible way for them to make it is win both remaining games and have a handful of teams lose out, all while averaging more than 75 points per game more than the current sixth seed. If current trends continue, they would need to score, on average, 176 points per game. There have been six sets of consecutive weeks where they don’t score that much combined. Perhaps the real Institute can clean up this mess in the offseason, but even the best of barbers can only do so much with what they are given.
While they are not technically the Losers of the Week, we would like to give a dis-honorable mention to the Bennet (sic) Career Institutes, as they only scored one more point than their abysmal #BetaSquad teammate. (It should be noted that the unlovable group of losers have “won” this award eight out of the eleven weeks it has been offered.)
In happier news, the Bunch of Mularkeys have joined only two other teams as a multiple-time Winner of the Week. The Funky Bunch certainly have to be feeling some good vibrations as the playoffs roll around, where they will definitely leave their Marky Mark. (I’m not sorry).
Bunch of Mularkeys (8-3): 136.9
Bennet Career Institute (3-8): 59.7
YOUR Reigning Champion (4-6) @ Morgan Token Girl (7-3)
A heavily favored 7-3 team puts a beatdown on a pathetic #AlphaSquad member, who fails to break 60 points. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Yes, to the surprise of no one, the Token Girls beat the Reigning Champion, but not nearly in as dramatic fashion as in the matchup prior. Their second-worst score of the season was enough to put away the Champions In Name Only, who lowered their already-dismal worst score of the season mark. The Girl’s Bell alone scored 45% of the Champions points, but the rest of their offense failed to click. Although this game was not exciting for fans of either squad, a win is a win, and the Girls have done so in five straight weeks, which has secured them a playoff berth. Interesting note: although they are number one in our power rankings and tied for first in their division, the Token Girls have yet to notch either a “Winner of the Week” or “Loser of the Week,” the only team to do so. Steady, safe, consistent play has favored them over some other teams’ more, er, “flashier” methods (such as the Reigning Champion, who has won the Winner award twice, and the Loser thrice). As stated previously, the Girls are jockeying with their bitter rival Mularkeys for the first-round bye, which, barring unforeseen circumstances, will be decided in the final week of the regular season. The Reigning Champions, on the other hand, need not worry about such lofty goals, as their path to the postseason gets increasingly murkier. Their three-game losing streak has put them a game behind the sixth seed, who they would have to outscore by more than thirty-two points per game to break the tie. At this point, they need all the help they can get, because they certainly aren’t giving it themselves.
The true Loser of the Week belongs to its rightful owner, YOUR Reigning Champion. His title reign has been unmemorable, his players, unremarkable, his fall, unforgettable. Fortunately, all signs point to it ending sooner than he expected.
Morgan Token Girl (8-3): 80.9
YOUR Reigning Champion (4-7): 58.7
Cool Kids Do Basketball (2-8) @ Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (4-6)
Not many expected the game between these two teams on the outside looking in to be much of a high-scoring affair, but this game had the week’s highest points total of the week. With their backs against the ropes, on the brink of sure elimination, the Cool Kids decided to spice up the last few weeks of the regular season by laying down their second-highest score of the year on the struggling Browns. The excellent outing by key pickup Robert Kelley, combined with fantastic-as-usual outings by Brady, L. Miller, and Edelman were enough to make up for the 0.1 total points scored by Tate and the Chiefs defense. As the real-life Browns were mauled by the Steelers defense on all fronts, the Memorial League Browns took advantage of the massacre, amassing twenty-three points off of seven sacks, one interception, and one strip-sack fumble recovery for a touchdown. However, this proved to not be enough against the surprising Cool Kids, who are still technically alive for a playoff berth. Even if the Cool Kids win their two remaining games, Morpheus With A Forty loses out, and both the Reigning Champions and the Browns drop one of two, they would still need additional help. They must outscore the Browns by five points, the Champions by more than fifteen points, and Morpheus by more than fifty points. Each week. (If current trends hold, the Cool Kids need at least 146.8 points per game to gain a berth). To say this is unlikely is platitudinous. The Browns, on the other hand, have a bit of an easier path – (they must win out, score more than 10 points a game more than the Champions, and Morpheus must lose out -), yet this too seems a lot to ask. Don’t be surprised if neither of these teams make the playoffs, but it’s never over till the fat lady sings.
Cool Kids do Basketball (3-8): 115.7
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (4-7): 93.0
Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (4-6) @ One of Will’s Henchmen (6-4)
What happened to the glorious Henchmen of yesteryear? Remember merely four weeks ago when they sat atop the league and the power rankings, exercising his master’s will with an iron fist? We don’t. Although points were scarce in this matchup, this game (and the Morpheus’ season) came down to a few minutes on a 5,000 square yard rectangle in Mexico City on a Monday night. The Morpheus will be sending a fat check to the house of Buddy Horton, the NFL Back Judge who called Deandre Hopkins left foot out of bounds on what would have been a 60-yard catch and touchdown, putting the Henchmen over Morpheus for good. How is Morpheus responsible for all of this, you may ask? We have better advice: don’t. Mortal minds can’t comprehend this ephemeral creature. If you’re looking for something a little more concrete to mentally chew on, try these playoff scenarios on for size: Morpheus can secure a berth by winning out, and can still secure a first round bye by winning out and Blount Factory and Henchmen losses in Week 12. In other, less exciting, totally-legitimate news, the Henchmen can secure a playoff berth with just one more victory. The feeling has to be somewhat cheapened when your boss rigs the whole league, however.
Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (5-6): 75.4
One of Will’s Henchmen (6-5): 69.3
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (6-4) @ Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-34)
The authority loses another fight against Blount legalization. This team just keeps rolling. Nobody can stop these guys from getting higher and higher. Now that that’s out of my system… The Blounts extend their winning streak to four games against a struggling Virginity, mostly off of a monster performance from Rodgers (well, fantasy-wise) combined with strong all-around showings from their running backs and flex. It was enough to put the Factories over the Lost Virginities, who has now scored exactly 88 points twice in the last four weeks (if that’s not a surefire sign of tampering, I don’t know what is). The Factories have clinched their playoff spot, and can lock up their first-round bye as leader of the West division by winning out (and a few other scenarios involving Morpheus and the Henchmen). The commissioner’s Lost Virginity has also clinched a playoff berth in loss (shady?–you betcha), and must win out to have a chance at taking a first round bye in the strong East Division. In our completely unbiased, unweighted, and non-judgemental opinion, we earnestly hope they don’t.
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (7-4): 104.8
Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-4): 88.2
Next Week’s Matchup to Watch:
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory vs. Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs
Can the Browns keep their playoff hopes alive? They can in this league.
- Morgan Token Girl (Last Week: 1): Hopefully, these girls will stay put here and usher in a new age of Matriarchal rule for the Dufour Memorial League.
- Bunch Of Mularkeys (3): Fantasy Football is at its most basic of a simulacrum of the game of Football itself. With this in mind, should we maybe question whether or not this team is Tennessee Titan’s coach Mike Mularkey’s own alternate version of his career where he wins games.
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (4): It seems that the Blount Factory can no longer keep their dank supply on the down low. Now everybody wants some, and they’ve found themselves skyrocketing through the ranks. Hopefully, their week 12 matchup doesn’t prove to be a narc.
- Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (2): What’s slipping faster, the Virginities in the power rankings, or the readership of the NY Times. Well, despite the claims of the man who one time body slammed Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania 23 and then somehow managed to get elected president, the NY Times is not, in fact, losing readers. So it has to be the team with the careless copyediting dept.
- One of Will’s Henchmen (5): A team that finds its identity in another team is unsurprisingly absolutely mediocre.
- Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (6): The only joyful thing left in this world are forties. Seriously, there’s nothing better than a good old fashioned Steel Reserve. God, I wish I had one right now. Forties are awesome. Definitely better than this team, but hey how bad can they be, they’re named after the Nectar of the Gods.
- Cool Kids Do Basketball (10): With hops like these, it’s no wonder they place so much emphasis on their basketball prowess.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (8): Eight suits this team perfectly, as their team name takes the same mental capacity as typing 80085 into a calculator.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (7): Sadly, we might soon see “former” attached to their moniker.
- Bennet Career Institute (9): —
- Bunch of Mularkeys
- Morgan Token Girl
- Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity
- YOUR Reigning Champion
- Charles De Gaulle
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory
- One of Will’s Henchmen
- Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs
- Cool Kids Do Basketball
Recap by L. Xavier; Power Rankings by Alex Sniatkowski