Week 12 of the Raymond A. DuFour Memorial League is in the books, which means that there is only one week of regular season fantasy football left, which means the playoffs are right around the corner, which means teams will begin to be eliminated from championship contention. The Memorial League championship has taken its first two victims this week (can you guess which ones?), which bodes ill for the rest of the league. Now that it has a taste for human blood, whom will it devour next? Is there any way to sate its bloodlust? Can anyone be saved from its furious wrath? Like that ubiquitous song so merrily shouts, it is, indeed, the most wonderful time of the year.
One of Will’s Henchmen (6-5) @ Bunch of Mularkeys (8-3)
The Mularkeys have been one of the best teams of the Memorial League this season (first overall, first in points), and already clinched their playoff spot last week. All they had to do was win one of their remaining two games to secure the first overall seed and accompanying first round bye. Yet the Mularkeys stumbled this week and stumbled hard, posting their lowest score of the year in their first sub-90 point game since the first week of the season. Their opponents the Henchmen did not exactly come storming out of the gate, but a weak win is still a win. The Mularkeys finally saw the Russell Wilson that was cut earlier in the year, and their heavy reliance on Johnson stood out like a sore thumb. Their other RB, WRs, flex and defense combined for a measly 20.7 points, and the big injury to Hilton and Carr’s targeting of receivers other than Cooper does not bode well for the team’s playoff chances. Are the Mularkeys cooling down at the worst possible time? Perhaps, but we will wait until next week to make any surefire judgments. This could be the work of the Commissioner himself, exacting his revenge on the team that broke his undefeated streak with his Henchmen. Weak wins happen in fantasy football all the time, but, as always with the Henchmen, theirs is extremely suspect. Is it merely a coincidence that they just happened to be scheduled against the best team in the league during their worst week of the season right around playoff crunch time? This reeks of foul play more than an all-chicken production of Hamlet. The Henchmen have officially clinched their playoff berth, leaving only one more opening in the race for the championship, and can clinch a first round bye next week with a win and Blount Factory loss, or a win while outscoring the Factory by more than 34 points. They can probably do it too, or, should we say, the Commissioner can rig it for them.
We award the Loser of the Week to the Bunch of Mularkeys for the first time. You managed to score less points than all of the teams who aren’t even going to make the playoffs. The only way all of your organization’s haughtiness and hubris could be any sweeter is if you put up a score like this en route to a first round exit.
One of Will’s Henchmen (7-5): 83.3
Bunch of Mularkeys (8-4): 72.8
Bennet Career Institute (3-8) @ Morgan Token Girl (8-3)
Picture this: a scrappy underdog finds itself pitted against the consistently dominant powerhouse, with an utter rout in their favor being the only thing to keep their postseason hopes alive. They need a hero, they need someone to bring them to the promised land, they need… Andy Dalton. He gets the ball on his own 19 yard line with four minutes left to play, holding his team’s future in his hands. Dalton takes the snap, and hands off to his running back. Seventeen yard gain. They’ve got this. He leads the drive all the way to his opponent’s 24. Two plays, two swatted passes. Third and ten. This is it. He gathers the team in his huddle. “Spider 2 Y Banana,” he barks like a drill sergeant. And then, like a true leader, Dalton cries, “This is it guys. Our season as the Bengals Bennets, comes down to this. This play, right here. Do or die!” He shouts, “Who Dey?!”, and his team roars back “WE DEY!” Dalton lines up in shotgun oozing confidence, surveys the defense, and thinks “I’ve got this. I’m not going to let the Bengal Bennet family down.” “Hut!” He looks down the field, scanning Eifert, Boyd, LaFell, looking for any little opening he can throw to. He completely misses the 260-lb linebacker coming straight at his face, who proceeds to demolish him and knock the ball loose. They lose by 30.
(Also, the Token Girls could clinch the first overall seed and bye by extending their six win streak next week. This team is the hottest in the league, and is in a great position to take the title.)
Morgan Token Girl (9-3): 100.8
Bennet Career Institute (3-9): 73.3
With their loss, the Bennet Career Institute has been eliminated from championship contention. Let us take a moment of silence to remember those who have fallen before us.
Requiescat in Pace:
Bennet Career Institute
AKA: Kirsten Dunst, Charles de Gaulle, The Bye Weeks
The Bennet Career Institute left this worldly plane and championship race to be with our Lord and Savior on November 27, in the year of our lord two-thousand and sixteen. A small memorial service will be held outside the White House for the next four years, where fans of the team can remember the few and far between bright spots of the season, such as the only time they scored more than 100 points or the time they used their fantasy football blog as their personal political pulpit. A donation for the team can be made to Planned Parenthood in honor of Mike Pence, because the owners still think it’s edgy and don’t see the irony in showing that an institution needs government support by showing that it can be independently funded.
Season Highlights: Beating their fellow #AlphaSquad member YOUR Reigning Champion twice.
Season Lowlights: Losing to everyone else.
Fun Fact: This team averaged only 83.8 points per game, the league worst (by far).
Cool Kids Do Basketball (3-8) @ Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (5-6)
This game also had major playoff implications for both teams, as a win for the Cool Kids could keep their playoff dream alive, and a win for Morpheus would almost guarantee their playoff berth. At first, the game looked promising for the Cool Kids, as Jordan Reed alone scored 21.5 points, and Morpheus’ four Thanksgiving Day players combined for only 28.2. Then Antonio Brown happened, or should I say, five catches for ninety-one yards and three touchdowns happened. The game was still a toss-up coming into Sunday, until Justin Tucker tied the NFL record for most 50+ yard field goals in a game in the first half, and the Cool Kids failed to get anything going offensively. The winning team should have perhaps been named Lazarus with a Forty because they are back from ninth overall and practically clinched the last playoff spot. They can even take the division title (and first-round bye) with a win over the current division leader Blount Factories and a loss by the Henchmen. However, they could also theoretically be knocked out of the playoffs with a loss next week, if the winner of the Champion/Browns matchup outscores them by at least 81 points. Forget TNT; the Memorial League knows drama.
Morpheus with a Forty in a Death Basket (6-6): 108.0
Cool Kids Do Basketball (3-9): 75.0
With their loss, Cool Kids Do Basketball have been eliminated from championship contention. Let us take a moment of silence to remember those who have fallen before us.
Requiescat in Pace:
Cool Kids Do Basketball
AKA: Eighty-Eight Goodell, Always Next Year, A-”Low-Buy-In”-Is-Not-An-Excuse
The Cool Kids Do Basketball have moved on to greener pastures, where fantasy football scores can no longer hurt them, on November 27th, 2016. They will be joining their co-conspirator Bennet Career Institute in the afterlife, and are (barely) survived by YOUR Reigning Champion, a large sticker of the owner and his older lover, and a can of Skoal Wintergreen. In lieu of flowers, the estate of the Cool Kids has requested donations to the #AlphaSquad Memorial Fund, a for-profit group that fights for cancer. A small service will be held each Saturday night outside Solomon’s Funeral Home until his bereaved feel at peace.
Season Highlights: Setting his season’s point record against the Commissioner in Week 6
Season Lowlights: Two separate four-game losing streaks. Or should it be their 25% share of the Loser of the Week awards?
Fun Fact: This team had the largest negative point differential in the entire league, scoring 18 points per game less than their opponent on average.
Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-4) @ YOUR Reigning Champion (4-7)
The not-so-highly-touted rematch between the two brothers could not have come at a time where we cared less. The Lost Virginities had already (unsurprisingly) clinched a playoff berth, and the Reigning Champions had almost already (unsurprisingly) lost theirs. According to the rules of fantasy football and much to the chagrin of everyone else, this absolute stinker of a match had to have a winner. The Reigning Champions barely held on to a victory while the Lost Virginities rested their starters, snapping their three game stride in an effort that fans are calling “too little, too late.” Both teams the Champions needed to lose this week won, so their playoff chances are pretty much kaput (they need to outscore Morpheus by more than 80 points). Yes, folks, all three members of the #AlphaSquad seem to be on the outside of the playoffs looking in, which is rather impressive, considering there are only four teams that can claim the honor. Fans of the Champions are already looking towards next year, mostly to see how the team will rebrand after an atrocious title defense (current frontrunners are YOUR FORMER Champion or YOUR Reigning Loser). In news related to the actual, winners playoff bracket, the Lost Virginities fans are probably a little more optimistic, but they can’t be by much. Their loss this week puts them out of contention for the first round-bye, and the team could still land in any of the other seeds. Surely the Commissioner hoped this poor, “surely-uncalculated” finish would be somewhat inconspicuous as he slithers into the postseason, but we, ever-vigilant, cannot have the wool pulled over our eyes so easily. Hopefully he does not lay his grubby, chubby hands on the Memorial League trophy, for if he does, all goodness and hope in the land will be destroyed.
YOUR Reigning Champion (5-7): 91.3
Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-5): 84.1
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (4-7) @ LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (7-4)
Nobody can figure out these Browns, not even themselves. In what many assumed would be the Browns last week in the playoff race (lose and they’re done), they post one of their season’s highest scores. The Browns are the model of inconsistency; they have been both the highest and lowest scorer of the week twice each, pinballing between unbeatable and unremarkable. Their win technically keeps their playoff hopes alive, but they will need to win next week and Morpheus to lose (by a lot) to have even the slightest chance. Just like their namesake, the bad times just barely outweighed the good, and will probably be no longer relevant come next weekend. The Blount Factories, on the other hand, squandered their chance to lock up their first round bye by posting one of their lowest scores of the season. Just like their eastern division counterparts Bunch of Mularkeys, the heavy favorites bungled what many saw as a sure win, and it may come back to bite them come playoffs. Will their sole reliance on their one star running back prove fatal, or can they come up with other ways to score? Can they beat the surging Morpheus to claim the division crown? Where actually is this Blount Factory, and are they paying their fair share of taxes? Stay tuned for next week’s episode of… The Memorial League!
We award the Winner of the Week to Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs. Your successes are widely documented on many reputable websites on multiple occasions, so it should be no surprise they would eventually be Fawkes’ “smokeshow” of the week, even if it is all smoke and mirrors.
Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (5-7): 114.7
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (7-5): 85.0
Next Week’s Matchups to Watch:
LeGarrette’s Blount Factory vs. Morpheus with a Forty in a Death Basket
Morgan Token Girl vs. Bunch of Mularkeys
Both of these games have a lot of say in who gets the first round byes. Whoever wins between the Girls and Mularkeys wins the division. Whoever wins between LeGarrette and Morpheus wins theirs, if the Henchmen lose. It’s playoff time bozos!
- Morgan Token Girl (Last Week: 1): Biologically, women tend to live longer than men, as the “Token Girls” have been proving.
- Bunch Of Mularkeys (2): You can catch them quietly humming a common playground jingle if you listen closely.
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3): Will this team’s supply keep them high to win the bye? Don’t blink your eye, for they will try, to be that guy.
- Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (6): What’s a death basket? We’re not really sure, but it looks like Morpheus is going to try and pluck their opponents from the playoff vine and drop them into their death basket over the next couple of weeks.
- One of Will’s Henchmen (5): Will the most loyal of cronies continue to submit to his master if they find more postseason success than him?
- Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (4): This commissioner has less control over his dominion than Fidel Castro over Cuba in the last fifteen years. The only problem for the Virginities is that their Raul lost relevance weeks ago.
- YOUR Reigning Champion (9): Still not eliminated from playoff contention. They’re the last member of #AlphaSquad still hiding in the woods of the island of Okinawa, oblivious to his team’s surrender.
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (8): The worst part about this team is that we still have to cover them in the loser’s bracket.
- Cool Kids Do Basketball (7): Basketballs are supposed to bounce up and down, but this one must have been deflated, because it hit the bottom pretty quickly and never bounced back. How many DeflateGates can Tom Brady go through?
- Bennet Career Institute (10): Fantasy football recaps are for sheeple. Actually, fantasy football in general is for ignoramuses. Actually, football–wait, no–all sports are just another tool used to control the lazy masses. Do yourself a favor and read real articles and real journalism, and stop burying your head in the sand to the reality of our current political climate.
- Morgan Token Girl
- Bunch of Mularkeys
- Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity
- YOUR Reigning Champion
- Charles De Gaulle
- LeGarrette’s Blount Factory
- One of Will’s Henchmen
- Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket
- Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs
- Cool Kids Do Basketball
Recaps by L. Xavier; Power Rankings by Alex Sniatkowski