Memorial League Week 13

The Icarus Cup

Recaps BY L. Xavier

P/C: Newsweek

For most people, the first week of December brings about a time of holiday mirth and cheer, as the Christmas spirit is in full and appropriate swing. For owners and fans in the Memorial League, however, now is the time of stress, panic, and bloodshed. Last week, the first two teams were eliminated from contention: this week, the body count again rose by two. Two teams will be victims of this bloodthirsty campaign for each of the next two weeks, until an ultimate, battle-hardened champion can be named on Christmas Day. What can turn lifelong friends, brothers, and lovers against each other? What can cause the greatest of joys and the most deepest of miseries? What holds unlimited power and knowledge? The answer is simple: The Icarus Cup.

One may wonder why one would want to remember the tragic Greek character who flew too close to the sun in their moment of ultimate triumph. Should we not celebrate Daedulus instead, who knew his limits and soared to the promised land? Or should we not celebrate another Greek hero such as Ulysses, whose arduous odyssey could be likened to a grueling sporting season? Nay, for the Cup is named so that one is reminded of all those who soared too high before you, and that you too, shall soon join them. (Perhaps the Ozymandias Cup would have been a better name, but we digress.)

Token Girl (9-3) @ Bunch of Mularkeys (8-4)

Earlier in the season, we covered an intense game between these very two teams, and we said that this final regular-season game would be circled on both of their calendars. Little did we know how true that statement would be, as this game determined not only the Eastern Division champion, but the first overall seed and first-round bye. The newly rebranded, sleeker Token Girls (sans Morgan) had a rather strong showing from each of their receivers and backs, but the uncharacteristically bad 7-point day from Brees left the owners sweating coming into Monday night, where the Token Girls were only up 6 points on the Mularkeys with no one left to play. T.Y. Hilton and Frank Gore both bounced back against an atrocious Jets squad combining for 22 points, more than enough to put the Mularkeys over their divisional and real-life rivals Token Girls and secure the #1 overall seed. These teams won’t meet again unless it’s in the championship round; if they do, you can expect another classic.

The last Winner of the Week award goes to the Bunch of Mularkeys, who has won it for the league-best third time this season. Congratulations on your first round bye, you deserve it.

Final Score:

#1 Bunch of Mularkeys (9-4): 123.4

#3 Token Girl (9-4): 106.7

One of Will’s Henchmen (7-5) @ Cool Kids Do Basketball (3-9)

This match also carried serious first-round bye implications, although for exactly 50% less of the teams involved. The Henchmen entered the game seven point favorites with the division crown on the line, while the Cool Kids were already eliminated from playoff contention last week. As always with the Henchmen, this week was not without scandal, as allegations of collusion were almost immediately apparent come Tuesday morning. Perhaps allegations are not the right word: their known associates the Cool Kids had benched all of their players sans one (Brady, of course), allowing for an easy victory for the Henchmen. It seemed like it had the Commissioner’s fingerprints all over it, but in a shocking turn, he was the one who stepped in to ensure a fair match by setting and locking their lineup. Not that the Henchmen needed the help against the defenseless Cool Kids, who posted their seventh sub-80 point game of the season, but their 82 points is not the sort of game one would like to have the week before the playoffs. Even though they won their game, the Henchmen could not outpace the eventual division winner, and find themselves with the #5 seed.

Final Score:

#5 One of Will’s Henchmen (8-5): 82.5

X Cool Kids Do Basketball (3-10): 70.5

Bennet Career Institute (3-9) @ Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (7-5)

A 7-5 heavily favored authority figure versus a 3-9 #AlphaSquad bottom feeder who was eliminated from the playoffs a week before. The Memorial League writers need to stop being so hamfisted when they’re recycling plots. This one even ends the same! The Institute lost of course (not breaking 80 points for the eighth time this year), and set a new career low in points for (beating their previous record by 0.1 points). We would point out how obvious the Commissioner’s underhandedness is by matching himself up against a terrible #AlphaSquad member in the final week to determine playoff seeding, but we’re tired of it at this point. We can point it out time after time after time again, and nothing will change. At least the Commissioner has no power once he reaches the playoffs, where only Icarus and Icarus alone decides who lives and who dies. He has clinched the #4 seed.

It is rather fitting that the final Loser of the Week was also the first Loser of the Week, the Bennet Career Institute. They join their #AlphaSquad brethren in having three of these awards each, which means there was a 69% chance (seriously) an #AlphaSquad member had scored the lowest amount of points that week at any given moment during the season. Godspeed and good riddance to the lot of em, we won’t miss you.

Final Score:

#4 Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (8-5): 115.1

X Bennet Career Institute (3-10): 59.6

LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (7-5) @ Morpheus with a Forty in a Death Basket (6-6)

The Henchmen’s victory may have put the first round bye out of reach for Morpheus and his Forties, but his atrociously low winning score left the door wide open for the Blount Factory. Due to their identical records, all they needed to do was win against Morpheus while scoring 50 points or more to lock up their first-round bye. Morpheus cooled off at just the right time for the Factory, whose unusually low winning score of 92 points was enough to satisfy both requirements to lock up the #2 seed. Morpheus’ loss locks them into the last playoff seed, where they have the toughest road to get to the championship bout. They made it to the Big Game last year, but do they still have enough left in the tank? Or will the Blount Factory hoist the Icarus Cup for the second time in three years? Who knows!

Final Score:

#2 LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (8-5): 92.5

#6 Morpheus with a Forty in a Death Basket (6-7): 85.3

Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (5-7) @ YOUR Reigning Champion (5-7)

This matchup had the least impact of playoff seeding, as while both of these teams were not technically eliminated yet, both needed an absolute miracle to have any chance of being in the hunt for the Cup. They fought back and forth into what turned out to be an incredibly average game that ended in an incredibly fitting manner. The Reigning Champions celebrated their #Alpha heritage by losing one last time for their boys, just like the three of them would have wanted (and did). Before this match, the Browns averaged 93 points a game. They scored 93.5 points in this one. The Champion’s loss knocked them out of the playoff race due to their record, but the Browns were still knocked out due to not outscoring Morpheus by 80+ points. In all, this match was neither meaningful nor memorable, just like both of these teams seasons. Surely Icarus took the greatest of joys in scorning the former champion, as nothing pleases him more to see someone suffer his same fate.

Final Score:

X Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (6-7): 93.5

X YOUR Reigning Champion (5-8): 89.7

Even with their win, Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs have been eliminated from championship contention.

Requiescat in Pace:

Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs

AKA: Beau Santomero’s Misshapen Balls

Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs went to be with their Lord Jesus Christ on the evening of December 5th, 2016 to rest warmly in the comfort of His light. They would repeatedly state that he “believed that nothing could overcome the power of love,” even if their patriarchal tendencies may have stated otherwise. Their family will be holding a memorial service at their home Saturday at 10 pm. It’s five dollars at the door. Yes, girls pay too. No, they don’t care if you’ve brought your own liquor, you’re paying for the space.

Season Highlights: Beating the Token Girls with their season-best score in Week 5.

Season Lowlights: Scoring their season-worst 52.8 points the next week.

With their loss, YOUR Reigning Champion has been eliminated from championship contention as well.

Requiescat in Pace:

YOUR Reigning Champion

AKA: The All Bark No Bites, The 2015 Mets If They Had Actually Won The World Series

YOUR Reigning Champion died on the weekend of December 4th, 2016. We would like to say they died at peace with themselves and their actions, but witness reports indicate otherwise. The Champions are preceded in death by their known associates Cool Kids and Bennet Career Institute, and leave behind only their brother, the commissioner. Remember Proverbs 16:18 in this troubled time: “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

Season Highlights: The three-game win streak where they averaged 122 points a game.

Season Lowlights: Their three-game and four-game losing streaks where they averaged 76 points a game.

Fun Fact: This team would be remembered for founding the #AlphaSquad if either the team or the squad were worth remembering. They say that one dies two deaths: when the heart stops beating, and the last time someone utters your name. For the Reigning Champions, this obituary marks the last time for both.

Next Week’s Playoff Matchups:

Final Power Rankings:

  1. Bunch Of Mularkeys (Last Week: 2)
  2. Morgan Token Girl (1)
  3. Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity (6)
  4. LeGarrette’s Blount Factory (3)
  5. One of Will’s Henchmen (5)
  6. Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs (8)
  7. Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket (4)
  8. YOUR Reigning Champion (7)
  9. Cool Kids Do Basketball  (9)
  10. Bennet Career Institute (10)

Standings:

East

  1. Bunch of Mularkeys
  2. Morgan Token Girl
  3. Russel Wilson’s Lost Virginity
  4. YOUR Reigning Champion
  5. Charles De Gaulle

West

  1. LeGarrette’s Blount Factory
  2. One of Will’s Henchmen
  3. Morpheus With A Forty In A Death Basket
  4. Jen Brown’s Floppy Boobs
  5. Cool Kids Do Basketball

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