When “Green Day’s Mookie” woke up yesterday morning from a comfortable sleep in their bed, they found themselves not transformed into a gigantic insect, but they did find themselves tied for second in the West with the newly christened “Old Indian Burial Ground.” Despite finishing last night with a one point lead over the “Machado Men,” “Mookie” suffered a loss, thanks to early morning stat corrections.
“Mookie” entered Derek Jeter Night slightly behind the “Men,” but thanks to a strong outing from George Springer, they took a small lead late Sunday night. But fantasy baseball isn’t baseball and stat corrections are an integral part of the game, preserving the integrity of scoring. While it’s heartbreaking for “Mookie” and their fans, it’s necessary for accurate results. These stat caused them to lose their third in a row, which drops them to .500, leaving them tied for second in the West.
“The Machado Men” advanced to 4-2, tying the “Mikey Bombers” for first in the East. The team has won two in a row, after falling to .500 in the fourth week. This seems to be a promising sign for the squad, proving that they may have more staying power than the league expected.
“The M. Bombers” were fortunate enough to face off against “Tim Tebow is Jesus.” After scoring 909 points across weeks four and five, the “M.Bombers” saw some slowed production, scoring only 270 this week. Luckily for them, “Jesus” posted the lowest score of the week, giving the “M.Bombers” the victory. Well it looks like the “M. Bomber’s” championship hangover is over. They woke up, lost two games, drank a Magner’s, napped for two hours, and have now won four in a row. Just like that, hangover gone.
On the other hand, “Tim Tebow is Jesus” has shown that they’re more like an ex college football star who can’t give up the dream every five-year-old has ever had, and less like the actual Jesus Christ, one third of the Holy Trinity and a man who conquered Satan, even if it was only because he was actually his dad masquerading in his body, which put him at a significant advantage. “Tim Tebow” finds himself last in the West after this week. While he and “Mac’s Smelly Sox” both have only notched two victories, a week five tie for the “Sox” puts them slightly ahead of “Tim Tebow” in the division.
Brettanomyces is a wild yeast that imparts funkiness and a variety of different flavors during the brewing process for beer. It has been adopted by American craft brewers, who have found that it can give their beers vastly different flavor profiles. In fantasy sports, a tie can sometimes act as a wild yeast, like brettanomyces or even lactobycylus. While we don’t know how the Week 5 tie between “Mac’s Smelly Sox” and “The Credible Hulk” will affect the overall product, we can metaphorically see the yeast eating the roasted malts during fermentation right now.
After their loss to “Meat is Murder,” the record for “Mac’s Smelly Sox” looks like the title of a Naked Gun sequel. At 2-3-1, they’ve managed to find themselves in a liminal space between “Tim Tebow” and the .500 “Old Indian Burial Ground.” Their situation is purgatorial, almost like the Island on Lost, and if you didn’t watch Lost, I’m not explaining that metaphor.
For “The Credible Hulk,” this tie is a bit more immediately annoying. After losing to “Old Indian Burial Ground” in Week 6, the tie leaves the “Hulk” at 3-2-1. This puts the “Hulk” in third place in the East. With just one more point this squad could be tied for first with the “M. Bombers” and “The Machado Men.” At least for now, the “Hulk” might feel like their tie is a bit of a thorn in their side.
“The D-Train” had their four game winning streak snapped, granting the “Benny Bombers” their second win of the season. Tied going into Sunday, the game seemed like it would be a real nail biter until the end, but the “B. Bombers” ran away with it. Some questionable managing decisions were made late Saturday night by the “Train” that may not have directly caused the loss, but definitely helped exacerbate it.
In other news, there have been two rebranding efforts over the last two weeks by one team. The team formerly known as “Piscotty 2 Hotty,” became “The Old Indian Burial Ground,” and during the process of writing this became “The Liberal Explanation ! s.” I’ll admit I’m baffled as to the cause of these changes. Are you guys just going to start doing this every week? It could get very confusing for our growing audience. We’ve been trying to reach outside of our target audience and make this more than just a trade publication, and all this will do is just confuse new audiences and make it goddam impossible to understand with your esoteric references..
Team to Watch out For: Piscotty 2 Hotty/Old Indian Burial Ground/The Liberal Explanation ! s– They’re like a small market club with their point’s total. While they can’t compete with the league’s big market teams, they’re focused on a molecular approach, winning games, rather than dazzling fans.
Game of the Week: The D-Train vs. The Machado Men: There has been a certain amount of animosity between these two squads since a 2016 rebranding incident which saw the “Men” plagiarize the “Train.”
- Mikey Bombers (4-2)
- The Machado Men (4-2)
- The Credible Hulk (3-2-1)
- Benny Bombers (2-4)
- Meat is Murder (2-4)
- The D Train (4-2)
- Green Day’s Mookie (3-3)
- The Liberal Explanation ! s (3-3)
- Mac’s Smelly Sox (2-3-1)
- Tim Tebow is Jesus (2-4)
Fun Fact of the Week: Last week Japanese scientists explaced, or placed explosive, detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland’s local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its residents, and all those who seek a peaceful existence for our underwater ally.
By Alex Sniatkowski